Eternal Summer.

2010-09-30T17:18:00.002+08:00

haven't been writing here for so long.

and i realize i usually only come here when i'm feeling extremely upset. this isn't a good habit. i tend to only take down things that make me sad, and just let happy things pass by. i am such a pessimist. and a pessimist that fails at every bloody thing.

i don't know how to describe this feeling. it's like a mixture of disappointment, regret and jealousy. and i don't even know what i am jealous at. maybe those who always could do so well. maybe those who studied hard and their hardwork paid off, unlike mine. i really sat in front of the studying table since the start of the study break, throughout the sept hols, until the end of prelims. but i guess that wasn't even near enough. am i suppose to just accept the fact that i am stupid? i can imagine all the nice, politically correct and comforting things i'll hear if i say this to my friends or my teachers. but i really don't wanna hear any of those anymore. a classmate said today that she has no future, in a joking manner of course, towards her not very good prelim results. but i taste some bitterness after hearing what she said. what if it really turns out that way for me? at this rate, my lousy prelim results aren't getting me anywhere near a decent uni. and i don't even know how i'll do for As. i dont even have one single subject to bet on for an A. i simply suck at everything. why the freak am i even in rj!!!???!?!?!?!

and the worst part of all, i don't even know why i am working my ass off for all of these, and why i am being so upset for all these shit. it's like living in an environment where "study hard and do well" is just a default thing that comes by, every single soul has to abide by that rule regardless of whether he/she understands the purpose behind, if there is any. right, i think that's MY selection pressure. except i might not really DIE if i fail at coping with it. i might just slip into negative evolution? what the hell am i talking about zzz.

but seriously, everything has been like this. my gp grades, my prelims. i guess i can understand now why people like __ and __ keep telling people how little they study while they actually mug like shit at home. because the worst feeling comes not when you don't score well, but when you tried freaking hard and still do like shit. cos that just proves that you are incompetent.

and then my parents are gonna start asking about my grades soon. they sure won't be happy when they hear about it. and then they'll give advice and concern that totally won't help. it's becoming like a vicious cycle. i am trying to hide my lousiness, and they try to hide their expectations. my dad tells me jokingly that if my As end up bad and i can't make it into a good uni, i can just join the college and be schoolmate with him. but i can't help to notice that he wants me to get into a GOOD uni. and he wants me to get into med school, which is as likely as hitting a jackpot to me for the pathetic number of seats available to non state residents in canada. oh, and can the whole wide freaking world stop thinking as if my future is all set and nice and good and lucky just because i'm going to canada after As? it's not like they secure a uni place for new immigrants, and i'm merely going because i have no other choice if i want to keep my PR status valid. i can't freaking travel out of the country in two bloody years! i really should slap myself for making the wrong decision in sec2. i was so blinded. seriously, i've gotten nothing by choosing to stay in singapore. whatever i treasured so much then, it's like an appendage now. whatever i've got in addition in these four years, i'd rather they've never ever happened. sorry for being so unappreciative, but i really don't mind just erasing the past four years of my life. it's not like that will make any drastic change in my own or anyone else's life.

yf said it's better not to do too well for prelims cos that won't make you complacent, and you'll want to work harder. but i think that doesn't work for me. i was finally determined to study hard for once ever since sec 1, i really needed the acknowledgment to fuel myself so that i can continue to work hard. but now i just feel so tired. and it's one month to As, such a perfect time to feel tired and lose all motivations.

but at the end of the day, everything's my own fault. the worst part is, despite how depressed i feel, i still have to continue mugging. even tho i know the same amount of time and effort may just yield so much less progress for me than some other smart people.

good game, lol.

2010-06-25T14:43:00.002+08:00

I went to register on this website: 43 things to do.
43 may not seem a lot, but they are amazingly hard to achieve when you translate the overgeneralized goals in life into words and really put them down.
I found the website when I got so frustrated over why should I be studying and went to google about it. Sadly, all I could find is people asking how to study hard. Seriously, no one ever questioned the objective in such a common thing that everyone is trying to do? Or is it just because everyone's doing it, no one sees the need of questioning it?

Here's an excerpt I found amongst all the people who wrote about wanting to study hard, I think I am gonna use this to motivate myself for awhile.

Actually it sounds more like a piece of advice from someone, but I can't find any source of origin, if there were any.

她说：
-有时间吗？有时间就得和你谈谈了，
-你现在就只能再放松几天了，不能再象以前那样放松了，你父母很担心的
-我虽然没有如意上重点，去北京，但是我还是心安理得的。因为什么都是自己努力得来，没有后悔的。
-你也知道，我经常熬夜，其实在熬夜的时候我也很难受的，看着别人酣睡的样子，自己却在拼命看书，你以为我想睡吗？主要是我不想我以后后悔。
-我经常看书到两三点，怕影响别人，就得躲在被子里点电筒看，空气又闷，脖子和手又累。
-你只有一百多天了，一定要克制自己，如果你连这些关键的时期都克制不了自己，以后会丧失很多东西的，其实这不但是积累知识的过程，更多的是锻炼自己的意志的时候，不管以后的结果如何，起码你努力过，至少图个心安理得，以后不会后悔。
-你一定要掌握好你的时间，特别是现在你们的束缚太少。
-不要怕拒绝朋友的一些要求，如果他（她）真的是你的朋友的话，肯定会理解你的，如果不能理解，，你也可以考虑一下他是否真的值得。
-其实人一生会遇到很多朋友的，就是在不断接触当中选择自己合适的人做比较知心的朋友，很多人都只是泛泛之交的，你要懂者点。

如果你连这些关键的时期都克制不了自己，以后会丧失很多东西的，其实这不但是积累知识的过程，更多的是锻炼自己的意志的时候，不管以后的结果如何，起码你努力过，至少图个心安理得，以后不会后悔

I'll take them in. Sigh.

2010-03-02T16:02:00.003+08:00

what is the meaning in all of these?
i read a letter wrote by a famous chinese reporter to her brother today.
the sister answered some doubts the brother had about life, although he was just 16.

she quoted richard feynman in hope of enlightening her brother.

then she wrote:"if you were given freedom, what would you do?"

i realized this is a question that many people including myself have been chasing for life, or end up running circles around it.

but i really need to make myself answer this. i think it is important.

because it puzzles me when people implied to me i NEED to do something.

but why?

why must i try asskicking hard at something just because everyone is going for it?

why must i make myself equally good, in other words, identical to others?

i have asked. they told me these are just means to an end.

but what is the real end? and do i even need all these?

i am ashamed that, come to think about it, my ultimate aim of wanting to get into MIT is to feel good when i can tell people about it.

ask me about what MIT has to offer that absolutely none of the other schools have? i can't give the answer.

and it goes back to feynman again. no title or job is ever honourable by itself. it is the effort and concentration one puts in that make his job noble.

i think that's roughly what he meant.

so if i ask myself the question, i think i want to help. in general, i want to help the weaker ones.

i would like to help animals, because i have greater interest in the nature.

but i can't bear to see people suffer too.

i think i know/found out what makes me different from some other people. i always have the feeling that the world should be fair. everyone should be treated equally, less fortunate ones should receive help from more well off ones, because everyone lives on the same planet, under the same sky.

somehow getting into the whole raffles system had changed me a little, which brings me back to the letter.

the sister told the brother that he should not be overly concerned with the fact that he is in an elite school. it is maybe acceptable when you are younger, wilder, and love to have all eyes on you. but as you grow older and become more mature, you should know that it is not the school that makes the difference, and even more not the name of the school.

i had my ego boosted before, for being in raffles. it could be as random as just some stranger's comment, or my relatives' talkings. luckily it is still safe for me to say i've never been too proud for being a rafflesian. but i've definitely taken pride in it.

so that's not how raffles changed me.

the thing is, everyone here is looking for the best. there are so many people that are so all rounded that i start to feel like a useless being.

i shouldn't feel this way, especially since i've understood the importance of family over career. at the end of the day, i am sure my parents want nothing more than a me who can be happy and contented with what i do.

seriously, i don't think they want me to be in some top university, find a very high end job, earn a shitload of bucks, while can hardly find the time to sit down and talk to them.

so why am i being so stressed and desperate about getting into a so called good university?

i kinda hate this change that raffles brought about in me. that i start to notice prestigious schools more often, admire top earning jobs and want to be just that like. this is so unhealthy.

the other day i was reading some random blog. this person wrote about how people in Congo feed on tree skin, while students here in Singapore complain about school canteen food. i can't help but to feel sad for them. for both parties actually. but i really want to be able to do something to help those Congolese.

and i think that's what sets me apart from the rest. yes, everyone is able to sympathize, but i think i feel it so strongly that i do not might devoting my life into helping those less fortunate people.

speaking of which, i do not need to be in MIT to be able to help others, for goodness sake.

the sister wrote in the letter, "real great people i know of do not even care about labels. it is not that they have something against elites or elitism, but that they do not look at the world from such a perspective."

and then onto real happiness. i am definitely not happy now, being worried about my school work and commitments just because i'm afraid that i can't be as good as my fellow rafflesians. actually, so what if i'm not comparable now. i should have known long ago that academic results do not represent everything. just like how you can find jerks from raffles and very presentable students from neighbourhood schools.

of course, when you are looking for a job, people look at your resume and your degree and certifications and such.

well too bad, i kinda missed all the right "labels" i ought to have.

if you think i am all rounded because i am from raffles, you're wrong.
if you think i score well in exams because i am from raffles, you're wrong.

just like how you can't guarantee every raffles student you meet is kind-hearted and upright and honest and everything.

comparing the two sides, i'd rather be a kind-hearted and upright and honest normal student.

there are somemore good words which i can't translate well so i'll just leave them.

in short, i want to be someone who:
can spend time with my family
can work with animals
can help others
can be happy about the things i do

these will help me decide if all the things i'm trying too hard at are just effort in vain or actions must be taken.

2010-02-21T00:31:00.001+08:00

f'ked up facebook format on firefox
real bad migraine
pile of undone schoolwork

any nicer way to spend a weekend?

2010-02-11T23:34:00.002+08:00

i saw your face, in a crowded place.
and i don't know what to do, cause i'll never be with you.

this song is sad.

anyway, i should start my gratitude diary now.
sometimes i feel pretty bad and frustrated that i really don't wanna thank anyone, simply because my day sucked. but i guess i should still do it since they say it makes you a happier person.

so for whatever happened today,
first i must thank all the supporters that came down for us. it's pretty nice of them regardless of whether they've been forced or not. and they also cheered for us despite not really knowing any one of us personally. thank you! :D

and i appreciate the two teacher's effort too. honestly i feel that this is our own competition so we were supposed to depend on ourselves or at least i thought so. too bad they had the public voting section. but thank you so much teachers for gathering supporters and votes for us. you gave us much more than what we've expected.

i'd also like to thank my teammates who worked hard on setting up the booth yesterday as i was feeling unwell and did not join them. they didn't get angry with me or anything for not turning up yesterday. and luckily i had them to talk to after the awards ceremony, to at least unleash some of my emotions. not that i was very emotional or anything but still it's nice to have some listening ears when you need them.

last but not least, i have to thank mum for being very understanding and caring. thank you for fetching me the stuff which i forgot to bring. you had to search for the stuff and send to me when the weather's so hot. i could always count on you. and thanks for enduring with my bad temper after i got home. i know that you're the only one who'll never turn your back on me, and are always there when i need you, so sometimes i tend to take advantage of that which is a really bad thing to do. i shouldn't do that anymore.

ok this is last minute and random but thanks to james blunt who sang such a beautiful song. though it's a very sad one but i can't stop listening to it.

goodnight

midnight pieces

2010-01-08T15:47:00.002+08:00

小的时候以为总有一天会遇到真正懂自己的那个人
受挫折后总告诉自己没关系只是那个人还没出现罢了
却从没想过那个人可能根本不会出现了呢
长大后午夜深时被这样逼真的念头吓出了冷汗
但好像又是残酷的现实

喜欢读喜剧结尾其实是在麻醉还是因为自己永远得不到的刺激自己
泪水就要溢出眼眶想看看到底会不会有电视上小说里那种泪凝于睫的样子
镜子里不过是一张苍白的面孔和淡淡的黑眼圈眼睑毫无浪漫的湿了一小块
洗了把脸泪痕隐入水中再无迹可寻
就像年轻是受过的刻骨铭心的伤早就隐藏在伤痕累累的人生中
随着我的心一点点麻木了

仰面躺在床上睁大双眼泪无边的蔓延上来
我伸出颤抖的手想抓住些什么却连拳头都握不紧
嘴张的大大的却还是无法呼吸
只有用手牢牢捂住口鼻在忍不住时松开大口大口呼吸仿佛偷来一般的氧气时才觉得自己还活着

一瞬间只觉得万念俱灰有谁能知道我有多绝望
没有人永远不会有
终于闭上眼又蜷缩起来任黑暗侵袭
感觉像又回到了小时候那个失去父母陪伴的小孩在别人都入睡后偷偷哭泣
只是这一次他们都好好的睡在隔壁却又像是永远失去了

总说人要为自己活下去
可当世界对我不再有期待我又为什么活下去？

2009-12-02T00:21:00.003+08:00

心里有些难受。

最近也常想起爷爷，就更难过了。

那天在学校餐厅，和朋友们一起买了个杏仁布丁的冷饮吃。买前想反对，因为记忆中从小就厌恶杏仁的味道。可说着说着，就想起了以前，眼泪就快要涌上来，所以匆忙答应了朋友。

还记得那时候上小学三四年级，和爷爷奶奶一起住。而父母远在国家的另一边。家里其实从来都不富裕，加上爷爷奶奶都是苦日子熬过来的，所以都很节俭。那时人人都说懂事的我虽然很少吵闹着要好吃的，但毕竟在学校会看到其他小朋友拿着流行的文具和用品，吃着零食，虚荣心也慢慢的涨起来。

一次学校要排练集体舞蹈，需要易拉罐来装黄豆当作道具（弄出沙拉的响声）。已经不记得班里的谁提出用“露露”杏仁奶的罐子做大小的标准。那时对我来说，这样的东西也只能在电视上广告里看到。回家后如何吵闹着要爷爷给我买那种杏仁奶的记忆也早就模糊了。似乎当时因为是学校要求的，自己还理直气壮。记的清楚的是，爷爷并没拒绝或说一句重话。只在听到我要求要那种杏仁奶的罐子后，略带无奈的说好吧，然后让叔叔带我去买。

买回来的新鲜东西自然满足了我的虚荣心和好奇心。迫不及待打开后，我却并不喜欢杏仁奶的味道，然后连连摆手说不要了。节俭的爷爷露出可惜的神情，仿佛如果我不喜欢喝，就会浪费。爷爷从罐子里抿了一小口，对我说，味道挺好，怎么不喝呢。而我坚决不要。

现在一闭上眼睛，脑海里似乎就会浮现当时爷爷喝着杏仁奶的表情。已经不知道那饮料到底是什么味道了。但当时爷爷小心翼翼的喝着，直到现在我才明白那是一辈子的简朴生活，吃过苦的人才有的表情。似乎是既小心又珍惜的样子。现在回想起来，我满是心酸。爷爷在世应该也只喝过那一次杏仁奶，还是因为我的无理奢侈要求买的。现在叔叔爸爸们都有足够的能力让老人家天天喝上杏仁奶，变幻无常的残酷人生却也印证了那句话，子欲养而亲不待。

现今回忆起来，我也不清楚自己对杏仁味道的厌恶是来自与小时候的味觉记忆，还是对爷爷深深的愧疚和自己的悔恨。应该是后者吧。因为当和同学一起分享那冷饮时，味道并不熟悉，却还是不敢吃，不敢碰到记忆深处的那味道。

爷爷对我特别好，可我活在世上却再也没有机会回报他了。这也算是我心里永远的痛，每当这个伤口被触碰到，不管是亲戚无意的提起，还是爸爸跟我诉说他小时候爷爷如何吃苦耐劳，眼泪都忍不住往下掉。

却也永远痊愈不了。

2009-11-25T23:27:00.002+08:00

why do i keep screwing up?

i don't even think i'm asking too much from life, why am i always not contented?

i'd rather im born extra poor, from a place with horrible environment, with limited food and facilities.

and i better accept the harsh fact that i'm just as common and as negligible as many others in this world. i'm never smarter and in no way better. in fact maybe i'm below average. but what is average really there to show? just to make me feel worse day by day? just to let me realize how differential treatment works? wow it's been happening so frequently that i don't even know what's the norm that i used to recognize was like. i should have known long ago that the only few people in this world who truely treats me as unique and likable being are so limited that i can count them off with one hand. or maybe even less.

no, they don't even include my closer friends. not even people who always smiled and talked to me. and maybe not even those who claim/claimed that they like me.

reality is cruel, or at least now i think it is.

yea, you are just closer to that person, you just like that person better. i used to wonder why walking beside which one of your friends matters. obviously it really matters, you, you all, are so absolutely uncomfortable when i'm walking in the middle. i can only walk in front or at the back when the walkway gets narrow. it really pisses me off at times. it's something so tiny and unnoticeable yet you bother about it so much that it bothers me.

fine, you can say it's all my problem. i don't even wanna know the reason. but i can see with my own eyes so clearly that you get much more attention because you look prettier.

prettier.

it's that simple, amazingly simple, isn't it?

i've never thought that comparison can get so harsh. no, i don't even want the attention you get. but now you and you guys made me realize how negligible i am. the extend that your "beauty" applies to isn't even justifiable.

but then again i realize, life never was.

things i said could get ignored totally no matter how important/interesting/stupid/anything they are, because i, or rather my face, doesn't deserve all your attention.

i never thought that i'm ugly, i still don't. that's one thing i should be glad of isn't it.

i should just keep quiet, right. because someone whom you think is ugly shouldn't be trying to grab any attention, even the rightful ones.

seeing how much these people ignore me just makes me more appreciative towards those who still care about me.

you can flirt with all the guys all you want, seriously. oh, don't say that i'm being too harsh to use flirt on you. you are sure nice. cause i've seen worse. and seriously, after these days, that's really it. i'll keep quiet, cause under your ~~shadow~~ glory, the one who sees me is the only one i want to see.

2009-11-21T10:27:00.003+08:00

i'm sick of your multiple fake faces and fake shown of affection and many many more. you are so fake. i don't even bother caring about you anymore. alright. tho your actions and fakeness totally made me wanna curse you and go WTF, i shan't do it here. you wanna be fake, ok. i'll just treat you with the same degree of fakeness. let's see who collapse first.

as if who can't pretend to be a nice girl.

2009-10-26T22:39:00.001+08:00

wow, today was quite overwhelming, and it still is.
firstly the results, can't say i'm happy with them at all. but i've got nothing to complain about except myself. oh that sounds so cliche, right, because it's the same damn freaking ending every time. i dont even have the energy to say stuff like "im gonna do better", "i'll work harder" anymore. i feel tired, tired of myself.

there's this sudden rush of insecurity surrounding me. i dont know where it came from. it just suddenly struck me that twenty years down the road, when we all become different persons, what do i do? well obviously that won't be answered until that moment comes, it's more like i'm worried and don't know what i should feel and react now towards the us in future.

like RA. cruel but true i'd say i don't wanna know them anymore when that day comes. i don't wanna see everyone including myself turning complicated and superficial and becoming like.. a normal person. at that time, where do i derive my source of happiness from? thinking about this now makes me wanna end my life right away, which is such a wrong thought.

but i'm quite stubborn on breaking the ties with people when we all changed. i just feel that some things should stay the way they are and be kept like an art piece in a museum. i don't know if their values will go up though.

oh there's another ridiculous fact i just got to know today. it's so ridiculous and since the subject is not even worth mentioning, i shant waste my effort. you, and ridiculous things/people like you, should stay the way you are too. bye.

2009-10-03T21:48:00.000+08:00

梁靜茹 昨天

假裝你不曾親吻他的臉
假裝你不曾靠在他的肩
假裝你不曾讚美他的眼
假裝你不曾記得他鼻子的弧線

雖然你現在躺在我身邊
雖然你現在只對我想念
雖然你現在說愛我不變
但為何你只抽他習慣的香煙

我可以佔有你眼睛全部的視線
在亮了燈的房間　你的心有一部份我卻看不見
我已經佔有你生命全部的時間
卻在意那些　你從來不說　我從來不問你的　昨天

2009-10-03T00:45:00.003+08:00

I am Legend

The emotions portrayed in this movie just tore me apart.

I don't know if it's the excellent plot or the great acting by Will Smith that made me resonate so much with the main character. Honestly, the plot isn't new. Mutation has been used in just too many scientific movie plots.

I guess it's the loneliness. I felt so much pain when the main character had to part with his family. People might say he is lucky, he was among the 1% population on earth that was immune to the virus, he had the chance to survive while others did not, he had the strong belief that he must light up the darkness and save everyone. But I actually feel so sad for him. He had to live alone in the big New York City, could only talk to his dog and the mannequins. He watched recorded TV programmes from the past to entertain himself. He set two alarms on his watch to remind himself of sunset. After his dog got killed, he went onto a suicidal revenge. If I were him, I guess I would have killed myself long ago.

And yet he lived on, and refused to go along with another survivor to the "survivor's colony". He kept reassuring that he can stop it, but I don't know if he was reassuring others or actually himself.

I think the plot carried much more meaning than what was shown explicitly. But I don't really know how to put them down in words.

The virus outbreak happened in 2009 in the movie. All I could think of is, if it really happens, I will never want to be the last survivor.

2009-10-02T22:16:00.002+08:00

i need a more meaningful life.
promo's not even half way through and i can already hear/see people complaining about results.
actually i hate discussing the tests after taking them. maybe just being cowardly. but i dont like it.

2009-09-26T23:03:00.001+08:00

爱是不能够期待什么我怎么又忘了

“恋爱是两个人共同经历的。可是对一个人来说这么深刻的东西，为什么对另一个人来说，随随便便就能擦得掉？”

2009-09-16T23:01:00.002+08:00

i don't know how my promos will end up like given my current progression of revision. and what's worse, i'm not even feeling as stressed as before CTs.
i better not get retained or else i can just start saving up for an airticket to canada now.
well at least now there's something happening at the end of the year that's worth looking forward to, and by this i dont mean the OP of PW. haven't had this feeling for awhile now it's a little strange to me.
i wonder what and how long it'll take for me to be eventually living like everyone wants me to.

and my todolist never gets shortened.

the world lacks warmth, maybe it's best to be cold-blooded after all.

2009-09-11T23:35:00.000+08:00

TOP 10 IS OURS!!!!!!

GO US!!!!!!!

RA RA RA RANDOM ACAD ACAD.
(try saying it the school cheer way but substitute "aha" with "acad"

lmao im brilliant did i just came out with a cheer for RA?

2009-09-01T18:00:00.005+08:00

watched a great movie yesterday, The Thing Called Love
it's about experiencing love, and never giving up on music.
for me, it's the successful version of "detroit metal city" and it truely portrays the spirit of "no music, no dream".
i was so in love with the male lead character james wright. he was playful and carefree on the surface. yet when he fell in love with miranda there was this soft and touching side of him being discovered. and he's stubborn, and crazy about music just like many young people nowadays.
and i loved his deep eyes.

so i went to check up the actor, river phoenix's profile online.
and here's what i've got:
Born August 23, 1970
Died October 31, 1993 (aged 23)

... first ka kui, then hide, then kurt, now river.

i'll go emo for awhile ):

2009-08-29T01:51:00.002+08:00

you are supposed to be the one whom i want to tell everything to.
but what right do i have now to bother you with my messy and fuck'ed up life?
i'm sorry, to you and also to myself.

and sorry yf, i think i kept crying in front of you ever since we knew each other this year. im really not a crybaby. it's just that i dont know why things all caught me off guard so easily this year.

i'll cry for one last time and buck up. really.

2009-08-29T01:11:00.001+08:00

omg cried twice today.
i'm so stupid.

2009-08-28T00:47:00.002+08:00

For once in such a long time, I'm finally closer to you, but only geographically.

Guess our souls are already eons apart.

nonetheless, good day to you.

冰蝴蝶和火凌云

2009-08-26T17:37:00.000+08:00

无意中翻出一些以前的信
六七年了
才发现那时还小
真的有很多事不明白

虽然后来断了联络，而且连我自己都不记得是谁的错。
不过，你还好吗？
当然不会有答案了
我也只能希望是默认

2009-08-24T19:33:00.000+08:00

i think i sang too loud maybe downstairs gonna come knock on my door and complain soon hee.

there are so many things to be sad about if i get reminded of them. i shall not think of any.

bio spa woolala~

2009-08-22T23:32:00.001+08:00

滿天的星星在閃爍　點不亮心中的暖和
為什麼你不懂我的夢　只是勉強笑了

就像我們憑直覺走　找不到同一個出口
從現在到心痛要多久　還有沒有以後

有時假裝沈默　是否有點難受
到底期待像什麼　一眨眼又讓心傷透
關於你們手牽手　還是關於你和我
你說你就是在我左右　下一秒卻又讓我猜不透

testing encrypted post

2009-08-21T16:15:00.002+08:00

Show encrypted text

didn't dare to finishing viewing these

2009-07-26T20:55:00.003+08:00

raging act.

i don't know how others view animal cruelty, but i think it is one of the worst things a human being can do. there will never be a justification for those cruel actions. and i am not even talking about killing a tiger on an attempt to defend yourself. it's those helpless animals that do not pose a single threat to us human beings. i really wonder what kind of distorted mindset those ruthless people have. this is the sickest way to abuse one's power. we are stronger than those animals, we are smarter than them, we can make informed choices and we mostly have learned moral values as we grow up. but what those people are doing doesn't reflect a single bit of superiorty they have above the animals. in fact i think they are just telling the whole world that their souls do not deserve a space for existence, they are wasting the resources on earth every single second they live, the oxygen they take in every moment could have been put to much better use, same goes for the food they eat, the love and care they get (if any), and the RIGHT TO LIVE.

i shouldn't bring any vulgarities to this serious issue i think, but

DIE YOU BASTARDS. YOU DISGUSTING PIECES OF SHIT WHO TORTURE HELPLESS ANIMALS. YOU DESERVE NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL.

2009-07-22T20:33:00.000+08:00

some attitudes are really annoying me. i dont know if i should live on with them or leave them.
it isnt so good that i've only known you for so long and i can count so many more things that i hate than those few that i can treasure.
maybe i should make a list and balance it off, balance my life as well.

and i hope dingding and dongdong quickly get together lah!

2009-07-13T01:53:00.004+08:00

今天看到被翻出来的天涯论坛上一个人发的帖子，里面是这样写的：

作者：97年一个新的开始提交日期：2008-5-30 1:19:00

我要回到1997年了，真是舍不得你们

大家还有什么想嘱咐的就请留言吧
　　
虽然非常舍不得但我也该回去了
　　
可惜1997年还没有天涯
　　
不过也很快就会有嘚
　　
祝大家在下个十年里开开心心
　　
2018再见喽~~
————————————————

初看可能觉得是个搞怪的帖子，但回复中有一起搞怪的，更多的让人黯然泪下：

作者：花落水留红　回复日期：2008-5-27　23:39:18　

　　　　看在老乡的份上提醒你，2008年春节前后千万不要去南方；3月14日不要去拉萨；之后不要去安徽阜阳；4月22日不要坐火车走胶济线；最后，5月初不要去四川玩，512当天即便是在北京，还是在大街上晃悠着比较踏实，尤其是下午2点28分左右。。。。。。唉，要嘱咐的事太多，您老好自为之啊。。。。。。

=======================　　
作者：komaneko　回复日期：2008-5-28　5:36:54　
　　　　　　　　　　
　　　　　　　　　　　　有一個艱巨的任務要交給你，現在趕快上書國家有關機構，把孔子、豆漿、漢字、古箏、端午節……，唉，反正能就這些傳統玩意兒，趕快去聯合國申遺，不然到了10年以後你會發現這些東西都不是我們的了，當然1997年的你是不會理解的，但是，聼我們這些生活在2008年的人一句勸，真的，趕緊的吧，晚了就來不及了。
　　　　　　　　
============================　　　
作者：路人无名　回复日期：2008-5-28　0:22:54　
　　　　97年?
　　　　
　　　　楼主能不能去趟乌鲁木齐帮我找个人~
　　　　
　　　　找到他告诉他我爱他
　　　　
　　　　我在2008年等着他

========================　　
作者：请输入新用户名　回复日期：2008-5-28　20:52:04　

　　　　LZ01年9.11时候去纽约，不过不要坐当天的航班，记着拿个DV，对准世贸大厦……
　　　　你就赚了

=======================
作者：錢_我要錢　回复日期：2008-5-29　0:05:56　

　　　　要不这样吧，这位敬爱的穿越者。
　　　　我把前天福利彩票中奖号码都告诉你，
　　　　等你到了2008的的5月27号你就给我买它个100来注的！这样你就可以中大奖了，到时候我们三七分账怎么样？
　　　　你也不用急你就等个10年就可以发大财了，而我更不用急了，如果我现在告诉你，那么我昨天不就应该从中了100注大奖的你手里拿到好多好多钱了嘛~~~~哈哈哈哈哈哈~~~~~~哈哈哈哈哈~~~~
　　　　嘘！不要告诉别人！
　　　　我真是天才！

=====================
作者：xhyw　回复日期：2008-5-30　2:20:49　

　　楼主顺便去帮小学时候的我送很多东西吃好吗？顺便帮我做次作业还要买个结实又飞的高的风筝，我2018年给回钱你

=====================
作者：犯小困　回复日期：2008-5-30　2:37:55　

　　楼主麻烦你08年到武汉告诉我男朋友·2月21日那天凌晨·千万不要出门··一定噢

=====================
作者：mss198479　回复日期：2008-5-30　11:07:26　

　　那年我刚上初二，去找我，告诉我脑袋里面不要有那么多怪念头，不要那么多愁善感好好学习，最起码给我父母长个脸
　　告诉我对姥姥好点，不要那么凶！外甥女中她是最疼我的，要不然04年的时候我会跪在她坟前后悔的要死
　　告诉我那年生的病一定要治好，不然十年后我还是那样，没有幸福
　　01年不要喜欢上一个学美术的男生
　　03年在大学里好好过
　　06年对那个喜欢我的男人好点要不然07年我会发现在喜欢他的时候他已经离开了！
　　请一定！

=====================
作者：霖咖　回复日期：2008-5-30　11:19:23　

　　LZ去烟台一趟，告诉一个叫彬彬的小女孩，让她好好读书，不然以后会后悔的。还有，告诉她大学毕业前一定要恋爱，至少一次！不然也会后悔的。还有，05年不管遇到什么有吸引力的男人都不要轻易相信。还有劝她最好不要到外省读书，不然她就不想回家了，她会在那么远的外地一直担心家里的爸妈爷爷奶奶～还要告诉她多去看看爷爷，多带爷爷出去玩，让爷爷找个工作，不然会得老年痴呆症，全家都很伤心。因为他会把人一个一个都忘记，虽然最后一个忘记的是她。。。

=====================
作者：守护天天使　回复日期：2008-5-30　11:38:29　

　　楼主,我给你一份零四年的辽宁省的高考题,麻烦你给零四年六月以前的我吧,我再给你一份零八年的考研题。楼主,我的人生就靠你了。

=====================
作者：专打枪手的狙击手　回复日期：2008-5-30　12:03:11　

　　楼主你的时光机器可以打个便车吗？？
　　载我一程好不好啊。我要去揍97.98.99.2000.2001.2002.2003.2004.2005.2006.2007.2008的自己。

=====================
作者：涉水浅浅　回复日期：2008-5-30　12:34:43　

　　楼主，麻烦你到了97年的时候，帮我多拍几张照片啊

　　那时候老子耍酷忘记留影了，都不记得长什么样儿

=====================
作者：yoyotony　回复日期：2008-5-30　13:16:37　

　　楼主
　　
　　千万要记住，在2003年9月3日那天告诉我二哥哥，千万不要出门，就在家呆着
　　
　　我拿什么给你换都可以

====================
作者：酷毛　回复日期：2008-5-30　13:18:34　

　　帮我留住张国荣！！！！！！
====================
作者：天天都穿越　回复日期：2008-5-30　14:49:05　
　　LZ记得一定要在2000年的12月12日之前找到我~告诉我让我妈妈那天一定不要去上班~这样她就不会离开我了

====================
作者：薄荷无音　回复日期：2008-5-30　14:57:42　
　　楼主请你在03年的时候到浙江来找我
　　
　　让我告诉告诉爸妈带爷爷去最好的医院看病
　　
　　告诉爷爷
　　
　　别太省，要对自己好点
　　
　　这样就不会三年后才发现肺癌晚期

====================

一个个的后悔，一个个的十年又十年。
发这个帖子的人必定没有回到过去，我也弄不清他原本发这个帖子的意愿。
其实我们都回不去了，那个失去男朋友的女孩，那个高考失败的学生，那个后悔没孝顺姥姥的孩子，那个忘记照照片的人，那些在童年留下遗憾的人，经历过失去亲人的痛的人。
那些后悔过的人，每一个都像我自己的写照：
小时候住在爷爷家，穷的只能看别的小朋友买零食吃的我；
不懂事，经常跟爷爷发脾气的我；
小时候不喜欢照相，当下找不到一张和爷爷合照的我；
在那年喜欢上他，却从来不敢说的我；
知道父母之间的矛盾和问题，却什么都没做的我；
从来不曾情愿来到新加坡，却没有反抗的我；
那几年一直沉迷游戏，荒废学业的我；
在他说他也喜欢我后，还是胆小不敢承认，最后眼睁睁看他离开的我；
甚至于一个月前没有好好复习，如今考试成绩都挂红灯的我。

人的后悔永远也数不完，因为那是永远也不能改变的事实。
有些曾抓不住过去的人们，被深深的困在回忆里，永远也走不出那些错误的决定。
有些被时间捉弄的人们，深陷在自责和愧疚中，为自己面对命运的无能为力黯然伤神。

但是，我们真的都回不去了。

但是那个失去男朋友的女孩，该庆幸拥有过美好的回忆；那个高考失败的学生，只要他肯努力，还有一年又一年的机会；那个后悔没孝顺姥姥的孩子，应好好陪伴其他的亲人；那个忘记照照片的人，现在一定有了一本本满满的相册。

如果你爱他，就跟他说。如果他也爱你，就跟他好好过。
我应该后悔现在才明白这句话，也可以选择在以后的日子里牢牢记住这句话。

我还有几百个日日夜夜可以努力准备考大学，我还有以后每天挤出来的一小时可以练吉他，我还有将来珍惜的每一刻和亲人朋友相处；

我应该庆幸我还有下一个十年，不是去挥霍，而是好好过。在下下个十年回头看时，想起更多的不是如此这般的遗憾，而是用心活过的日子。

2009-07-12T21:35:00.000+08:00

i'll do it, not because i care, but because i can.

2009-07-10T02:04:00.000+08:00

斟满彼此的酒杯,但不要同饮一杯.把你的面包给对方,但不要吃同一个面包.

2009-07-02T17:46:00.002+08:00

oh yay. CTs are over. we get to see how badly we have done next week, arent our teachers efficient?
i dont feel that great about it now, although in the past few days i've been wanting it to end so badly.

anyway, a few things.
if you didn't even wanna come along, why bother asking with such great interest in the first place anyway? i even felt bad about it. now you just made me know better how i should never bother next time.
if you don't like it, do you have to make it sound like whoever liked it are morons? just because you don't like it doesn't mean it is not necessarily good, you know. it could just be that you have a bad taste. or whatever.
if you've done everything, why do you have to pretend that you've done none? and if you wanna pretend, fine, that's none of my business actually. but why complain to me, someone who's at a much worse state? i dont think it is THAT MUCH fun for you to hear me comforting you while im the one who needed all the time in the world to REALLY finish my work.

give me a break. sorry, i dont know what are those for but i'm kinda sick of them.

2009-06-29T22:35:00.002+08:00

we are drifting apart so much and i can't remember when it started.
my fault, i guess. and it's my loss too.

chem paper tomorrow and im having a migraine that can kill, with constantly buzzing sound in one ear.

2009-06-24T05:05:00.002+08:00

right. i almost broke every single freaking rule i set yesterday. but i still wanna share this amazingly inspiring film i watched on HBO today: Front of the Class.

it's about this guy who suffered from tourette syndrome,an inherited neuropsychiatric disorder with onset in childhood, grew up learning to accept it and live with it without letting it take over his life. he did not give up even when the whole world seems to be teasing him, and eventually achieved his dream of becoming a teacher.

okay my limited vocab can't describe how great the movie is, so go see it yourself! but it did let me see some hard facts and touching moments.. how even kids in elementary school can look at the brighter side compare to adults (which shows that we pay as we grow up: we lose the ability to accept and appreciate simple things rather than digging on the dark side), and how life could be made perfect even when you are born imperfect (as everyone is, actually).

the main character encountered many difficulties and cold hard rejections throughout his search for a job as a teacher, and lost confidence even when he met someone he loved because he couldn't be sure if anyone will be willing to live with him and his disease for LIFE. though the movie showed generally the cheerful side and happy ending, i think the real character which the movie adapted from must have had a much harder time. and that's the reality, sometimes it blinds people, sometimes it makes us stronger.

it really makes me reflect a little. how did i usually view people with such unfortunate disabilities? maybe i tried to be sympathetic but what was i REALLY thinking? i guess it's "luckily i am not like that". but i can't imagine life like that now, which is both fortunate and unfortunate. i might not have to worry about being discriminated and having to withstand those hard times, but at the same time i lose the opportunity of being challenged and made stronger in life. and i guess that's why at the end of the movie, brad cohen (the main character) regarded tourette's as his best friend.

i think that was the only two hours i can deem as well spent today among all the slacking. lol.

now, back to mugging -_- maybe with a slight change in mindset.

2009-06-22T00:53:00.004+08:00

xinyan needs to stop screwing up her life.

you only have one last week left.

*List of Websites that are banned till 2nd July*

YouTube
Wikipedia (unless academically related)
Baidu
Tudou
Trickster
ALL FREAKING BL NOVEL WEBSITES

*List of Programmes that are banned till 2nd July*

Trickster Online
AuditionSEA
GuitarPro (maybe not..)
any other gaming programmes

*List of actions that are NOT ALLOWED till 2nd July*

Daydreaming
Slacking
Talking unnecessarliy on MSN for more than an hour/day
Playing guitar for more than two hours/day (T_T)
Watching more than one movie on HBO/day
Going out unnecessarily (unless with RA)
Reading Storybook (unless in the toilet doing uhhem)
Writing a blogpost longer than THIS

_______to be updated whenever necessary_______

wow i never knew my life could be so colourful till the moment i had to make it dull. so im left with one thing to concentrate on really that is to MUG. hahahaha.

Aims:

B: pass
C: pass
M: A
E: subpass T_T

k im really not asking for much since i know my limits (at least for now -_-)
there'll be many beautiful scenes along the journey but i must make it till the end where i'll see the RAINBOW.

冲啊!

the original canon rock :D

2009-06-19T09:12:00.001+08:00

this totally makes me wanna drop my notes. DAMN CTs!!!

TODAY.

2009-06-18T00:40:00.001+08:00

19 years ago, a great person was born today.

now, stop the "wooos" and "aaahhs" and push your jaw back up cos your saliva's dripping :)

2009-06-14T15:08:00.003+08:00

如果还有明天你想怎样装扮你的脸
如果没有明天要怎么说再见

seriously need to start revising NAO!
but i'm already so dead for CTs anyway..oh wells T_T

2009-05-31T15:58:00.000+08:00

有人看到你会仓皇失措，是想呈现好的一面。
有人用直视的眼神看你，是想对你表白什么。
有人向你开玩笑或者逗弄你，是不想让别人抢走你。
有人冷漠的经过你身旁，是无法控制自己的情感。
有人静静的望着你的侧脸，是怨恨想爱却不能爱的现实……

sounds so damn true. but no longer applies :)

2009-05-22T23:06:00.000+08:00

argh i'm very tired now.. quite a lot of things happened today. and i had so much i wanted to blog about, but whenever it comes to the end of the exhausting school day, im forced to drop the idea. it's as if i'm so drained by the day that even organizing thoughts in my head and typing them down here looks impossible.

i shall do it some other day. soon, maybe.

hahaha.

2009-05-21T00:14:00.002+08:00



		I will marry the double helix thing.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in library in our fabulous House.
		We will have 7 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a lime green toy car.
		I will spend my days as a hike around ._., and live happily ever after.

LOL THIS MADE MY DAY. and since it's past midnight, make it two days.

imba-ness.

2009-05-20T23:49:00.002+08:00

found this while searching for chem stuff online -_-
chem test tmr, then gotta chiong pw stuff.
i want june hols NAW! :(

but there's still GP CT before it..

2009-05-16T02:32:00.002+08:00

i think i'm crazy, or going crazy.
last night zzzzzzzzzz never mind.
one good thing about having such a fucked up life is that at least you know for sure it can't be any more fucked up.
or can it?
oh no.

2009-05-08T02:32:00.002+08:00

BYE PI

3H's class camp

2009-05-05T16:58:00.002+08:00

39 mosquito bites
but it was a good experience.
night walk, outdoor cooking and team bonding. plus the random crazy games we played xD

can't be bothered with PI and stuff... i'm just gonna sleep the rest of the day off.

2009-05-03T16:02:00.001+08:00

stop freaking bothering me.
goddammit.

2009-04-29T00:02:00.003+08:00

fell asleep on the sofa right after i got back home today.
missed the pw convo..or... late by four hours.
this is really bad. i'm the least busy person in the whole group yet im doing the least job (well so far).

this has to be better, same goes for LIFE.

2009-04-28T00:40:00.001+08:00

yitong says:
xinyan i think we'll see the sunrise haha

xinyan says:
i hope ><

yitong says:
haha as in, we do work all the way until sunrise lol

xinyan says:
...good point

2009-04-26T22:51:00.002+08:00

basically there isn't anything worth looking forward to in life anymore.
feels kinda scary how i just lost all the motivation.
study, friends, guitar. everything.
and the damn schoolwork isn't keeping me going at all.

all of a sudden when i look around, i see people around me all with fulfilled life. be it fun or pain, tough or breezing. but mine, it's a blank one.

it's gone.

how?

lol'ed

2009-04-25T21:13:00.000+08:00

2009-04-20T20:50:00.002+08:00

:( i'm so lazy

the 50% discount story.

2009-04-19T21:45:00.003+08:00

at 21:04 sunday night, i realized i have two econs essay due tmr, undone.

xinyan said:
WHAT THE SHIT!
MY ECONS ESSAYS DUE TMR

w.ruoxi says:
you mean you all have to write out the essays?
then that's alot to do......

xinyan says:
YES
i rmb the teacher said whoever nvr do must give 10 dollars, but i didn't know it's due TMR

w.ruoxi says:
sigh
go and do now..

xinyan says:
do econs now. i can die
my brain is totally relax
last night still can, now cannot zzzzzzzzz

w.ruoxi says:
ok then you just hand in later

xinyan says:
have to pay 10 bucks

w.ruoxi says:
she wont be serious de

xinyan says:
she is
last lesson she checkedd one of our class test
need to draw a lot of graphs then every mistake pay 20 cents
like nvr mark E0, point of origin

w.ruoxi says:
(-.- emoticon)

xinyan says:
then she made one guy take down names and amount nxt lesson she collect

xinyan says:
HOW

w.ruoxi says:
do one essay then you pay $5..

LOL.

shit. gotta chiong econs essays now.

2009-04-19T04:38:00.004+08:00

omg..crazy guy >_<

2009-04-18T16:09:00.001+08:00

And as the world turns on and on,
Love is lost and love is won,
laughed and cried when we were young.
You went your own way,
I survived.
And did you ever see everything inside of me?

2009-04-14T20:38:00.003+08:00

i hope i survive the rest of the week.

pw groupings out tmr, im so excited!!!! :DDDDD (yea right.)
5 items tmr (i love IPU...NOT)
chem class test on thurs
bio and econs lecture tests on friday

what a wonderful week, fufilling and entertaining, most importantly, torturing.

and there's a high chance that my PI draft'll get rejected tmr. zz.

shant waste my time blogging about PI/PW

2009-04-13T21:37:00.001+08:00

then i shant blog anymore, cause that's like all that happened and will ever happen. wts.

2009-04-08T22:40:00.002+08:00

真正的朋友，并不是在一起就有说不完的话题。而是即使沉默，也不会觉得尴尬。

read this from rx's blog and i can totally resonate with it.

i hate my inability to survive as an individual.

i really hate having to rely on people.

i hate how you dont care, but just make it look as if you do to make me feel uneasy.

i hate how i can actually dont give a damn, but can't help being bothered.

i hate sitting there like an idiot having nothing to say.

i want to end this, seriously. it's no big deal yet it's affecting me quite a lot. i wish i can just pull off the i dont bloody hell give a damn face. why did i even change myself for such pathetic reasons? im not going anymore. you can hold on to what you believe in, but you can't expect everyone to have the same belief as you do. and why do i even care what others think about me? they are not even my real friends. it might sound cruel/heartless but rx is right. i am just not your type of people, and thanks i have no will of changing myself just to fit into YOU. or maybe i tried, foolishly, but i am tired. it's as if trying to fit myself into a skin that is not even my shape/size. i feel so much pain attempting to peel off my own, and i think i'll be disgusted if i put on THAT skin.

oh wells there are so many things but they shant affect the way i am.

yq's songlist is so emo-ish.

-.-

2009-04-02T22:13:00.002+08:00

so..bryan was asking me about my 3 whiteslips (to be) in a week.. was explaining to him my 3rd wslip will come from "modification" to school blouse.

after awhile....

xinyan: just because mine got seen -.-
bryan: your shirt got seen?
xinyan: shoelace
bryan: shoelace not supposed to get seen meh!?

...i give up

happy april fool's!

2009-04-01T20:55:00.002+08:00

hmm..wonder how this day actually came about.

com sci seniors (well just the two of them actually) were so funny. and i was the one who couldn't hold back my laughters. rx you are quite pro. but in the end we kept pushing around about who to tell it, it actually started to sound real. and AH BOY looked more serious than expected :O and mr.serious actually only said "oh..so you all won't be coming anymore?"... but their reactions were extra nice provided that they didn't know it was a trick ._. im touched..

actually im not into april fool's at all.. but well..just happened that this year i got myself involved, so rx you are not that pro. now yq's angry. sorry :(

they all say people change fast in jc. now i think some changes might be necessary. maybe it's time for us to change some of our old ways of doing things. after all, now everyone's in a much more complicated environment that brings much more stress than before.

i never actually noticed my counter hit for today. anyway, it was just lameness. i feel like slapping myself for coming up with such useless things/unrealistic thoughts just to distract myself from the stress and boredom in school. and the worst is i know better than anyone else that how impossible it was. it still is and will always be, but i shall stop the stupid act.

thank you so much classmate, for enduring me.

bye nobita! i mean like, really, farewell.

2009-03-31T22:54:00.001+08:00

i think i hit the counter 5/5 today, again.
stop the dog-poo-luck pleasssssssssse D:

aim for tmr: 2/5!

can't wait to prank someone tmr!

why

2009-03-31T00:15:00.002+08:00

i can see nobita tomorrow.
but it doesn't feel good.
i really don't know.

:)

2009-03-30T00:01:00.002+08:00

This made me realize how wonderful my life is.

I shall read it everyday.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

2009-03-29T02:44:00.005+08:00

In my eyes, the perfect body proportion doesnt belong to Angelina Jolie, nor Britney Spears, (sorry for my lack of knowledge on those "hot" stars lol) and definitely not those Miss Universes, it belongs to Doraemon! :D

Doraemon
Gender: Male?
DOB：2112.9.3
Height：129.3cm
Height while sitting：100.0cm
Weight：129.3kg
Speed (when he sees a rat)：129.3km/h
Favourite food: Dora-Yaki
Dislikes: Rats and Mice
Best friend: Nobita

If possible, Doraemon will use all he has in his four-dimensional bag to help Nobita. But there's nothing inside that can make Doraemon stays together with Nobita forever. They gotta say good-bye. Doraemon will feel happy for Nobita when he gets to marry Shizuka. Doraemon hopes that one day he can put on the Takekoputa and travel around with Nobita again. But for now, Doraemon will forget Nobita when he returns to his future world...

~~I will forget you when I return to my reality. For now, let me immerse in my own imagination for a little while more.~~

2009-03-28T18:10:00.002+08:00

i feel so stupid.
classmate, i'm doing all these just because of you -.-

wth...

"go experience him yourself"

how about that?

2009-03-28T18:08:00.000+08:00

somewhere there.

i shall do work.

2009-03-26T22:45:00.001+08:00

we laughed and cried over this today at the library.

and i still feel sad reading it again on wiki. it feels like at that moment of discovering the ending, all hopes and dreams are emptied away from my life.

it's ~~human~~ my nature to be greedy. the more i get, the more unsatisfied i feel. and i really should end this.

feel like such a loser everytime.

"....The second, more pessimistic ending suggests that Nobita Nobi is suffering from autism and that all the characters (including Doraemon) are simply his delusion....."

sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't

2009-03-23T19:57:00.003+08:00

my heart can't possibily break when it wasn't even whole to start with/

and yea, what kind of dog-poo-luck was that?

lol.

ultra-unproductive mugging session with yifan at the library today. i think we are really good at going off track. but there are just so many ~~fun~~ emo things to talk about. my next challenge should be to mug successfully with yifan at the library for ONCE.

2009-03-23T01:11:00.002+08:00

i just feel like writing something down.
i need to calm my thoughts and organize my life, which is currently in a mess. seriously.
the major goals are finally written down and pasted on the wall, and they are staring at me all the time now. but i think something more specific should be done. if i go on like how i did in my 4 years in rg, i might as well just drop everything and go to poly now. as much as i dont want to admit, i still get a tinge of regret towards not taking physics. altho it is partly due to my love for bio...but if only i have worked harder.

so i shant let history repeats itself. since i took bio, now it is not just a H2 subject that i should do well in, it also carries whatever regrets and misery i left behind with physics. so yea. now it feels heavier on my shoulder.

and there are the other subjects i should keep up with as well. it feels horrible how i am already finding it difficult to keep up during chem and math lectures... maybe i am stupid after all, but i'll letHARDWORK RULE! hai rj library, you'll be my bff for the next two years :D

i really need to start doing things. my current state is so stagnant that it almost feels disgusting. i feel choked all the time, not able to move on. things accumulate and just drain away all my motivation. jc days so far have not improved but only gone worse. i cannot recall such desperation and hopelessness during my rg days. seriously, where's the slightest bit of passion i've ever had?

luckily or unluckily, i've got myself a new goal to catch. how it came about is definitely stupid and not worth mentioning. however i shall just let the stupidity remind me that i need to work hard, all the time. maybe after all that's the only good thing from it. and i think i've been placing my focus well, i almost forget the locker no. already :)

and no matter what, i will not give up on guitar. i will remember hide and kurt.
vacuum cleaner apparently has its maximum capacity. so before mine reaches its max,
lets go.

2009-02-08T03:41:00.002+08:00

orientation has ended.. guess i should be glad at least for knowing a lot of nice people. but whether i can get along with them is a different story... JC orientation is so different from rg ones.. i must get used to being in charge of myself and whatever i do, or else i dont know how i should survive here.

and lessons start on monday nuuuuuuu T_T
as much as how i am disgusted by my addiction to trix and how more and more bored i feel on it... i don't want it to be substituted by lessons...no... >_<
a lot of things happened actually, but i shall let laziness take control for the last time(or not) and just conclude them in two words.

Vacuum Cleaner.

2009-01-14T20:28:00.002+08:00

as excited and happy as i might have appeared, i'm reallying feeling very very down about this "first day in my new school". and i dont like the possibilites and impossibles. i hate the fact that i've lost some now and can never get them back. i am disgusted by myself having to fake a smile to almost anyone i see. what the hell is this shit?
and i dont know how long can this last. i have a feeling that it really won't be long, before we all separate and become like we've never met before.
now that when i sing the song, i feel so different from before. yes it still reminds me of you, but you are not you and i'm not me. something's just missing, and some died.
lol let this end here i dont know what i'm blabbering about.

2008-10-17T14:38:00.002+08:00

lol. one second ago you can be so happy and enthu about everything and make everyone run all over the place for whatever you want, then the next second you just disregard whatever effort made by others, simply because you get sick of it for no reason. who are you to do this to people? and who am i to even care?
you know, i really thought you were such a nice person. i could count the good things of you and i make the cancellation when i see something bad about you. maybe you are caring less, maybe you don't care anymore. you put stress on others for no obvious reason, i am so sick of finding reasons, so bloody sick of cracking my head trying to figure out what i've done wrong to deserve what you did.
but thanks to you, i start to care less now too. whatever it ends up like doesn't really concern me anymore. sometimes you really aren't much better than THOSE, but whatever.
lucky you, someone still can stand your crap, and is liking it very much. it really amuses me. maybe i used to like it as much, when i didnt realize it was all crap. but now i do. to pour any of my true feeling or emotions or dreams or aspirations to you, is just like jumping down an endless pit. there's only giving endlessly and receiving occasionally, i can never appreciate things like that, so sorry, i'm giving it up.
first time was heartbreak, second was a wakeup, and now i'm out of this shit.
so go on with whatever you want, i'll be me, thanks =)

2008-10-11T00:38:00.002+08:00

this isn't a nice feeling, but i'm so tired of pouring my emotions out, so whatever feeling it is, let it be.
and i don't know how much further i can go with all of these.

如果你从没出现我会不会觉得快乐一些

我想如果我从没出现,你一定会觉得快乐一些.

2008-10-03T22:57:00.003+08:00

i bought my prom dress..finally.
lmn's super nice to accompany me and shop with me for so long, xie xie ni!
now i'm very hungry, but no food, and mum just went straight to bed after coming home...very very hungry...hungry...hungry...hungry...
got back bio and physics results today, lol. my physics is really just PHAILED. ok not like i'm gonna take it in JC (or am i?), i don't even think i can do H1. i think i'm slowly adapted to the fact that i suck at physics already. bio was better than i expected. in fact it's the best paper i've ever had in my whole life for bio. but yh said it's very common to choose the combi of bio chem nowadays, and it's gonna be hard to find jobs later on.. it's kinda true..but i'm not talented enough to do special subjects like arts. maybe i should consider econs after all..it's at least something that won't get outdated.
there's just one last math test to go and i guess that's it. and i must pass this. grr. sakae sushi's salary will be released on 8oct but i'm not sure about pepper lunch... hope i can get my mum something nice as her belated birthday present =(

2008-10-02T23:44:00.001+08:00

so i should feel happy that i didn't get my skin sunburnt or anything, right?
and i should stop this. zzz.

2008-10-01T23:34:00.004+08:00

just came back from work... seriously OT today but no extra money T_T
why do those people all like to come in and order at last minute!? and what's more, there wasn't enough rice and salmon in the end...
i no longer feel as tired after work nowadays, guess i'm slowly getting used to working there.
there was a new guy today, i was very happy at first as i'm finally not the "newest" anymore. but it turns out that the new guy's kinda bad. i mean in terms of his common sense and service. i was having a real big headache when it's my turn to do dish up, as him, who's doing service, was of no help at all. of course i was screwing up as well, couldnt get all the pepper rice on time, and i still have to weigh every bowl of rice... -__-
ok, next time i'll try not to do closing. and if i have to, i'll try to finish before 1045..grr... the couple was helping me today again, but i still couldnt finish on time. feeling very sorry as everytime they'll have to help me do part of my closing job...

ok, so tomorrow is still a holiday. probably no work, and i'll rot at home the whole day. we all planned to go www, and hell yea i'm just so damn unlucky. wth lah. and obviously there won't be another three having the same bad luck as me, so you guys have fun. and that's what i said in my sms to yh as well. but i'm feeling kinda lol and whatever. when whatever whatever suggestion whatever about the more than half don't turn up then don't go, zzz so whatever. it's not like we've never planned to go www before, we did quite a few times somemore. and almost everytime it'll turn out that someone's "unlucky" or just not free, and we'll just forget about it. i remember everytime we wanna go out, and fy or maybe someone else's not free, i'll feel so regretted if we just go out without her that we'll just forfeit the plan. and when sph told me her ankle probably cannot make it, i was really thinking, wtf? then what's the point of us going without her? you see, i don't feel comfortable going out as a group when just anyone of us cannot make it. but lol, obviously all along i was the only one who felt that way. whatever lah. ok. and it's not like we'll have somemore chance to go out together even, lol, with everyone crazy at work or doing whatever stuff, and the bloody different option timings we have, i'll say goodbye right after FAM, but i dont think anyone cares, so why should i? lol. not like my presence or my absence makes a diff, right?

bye.

2008-09-30T20:45:00.003+08:00

i'm jobless for a week because i forgot to tell my manager my schedule for this week. can't exactly say i'm happy about it, because i felt extremely bored this afternoon since i'm supposed to be working, and i did nothing fruitful. i guess i'm getting used to the work. at least when classmates ask, i reply them somewhat happily "yea, i'm working at pepper lunch now".
other than work, i have the upcoming math test which i must pass in order to secure my 4.0. but the sad thing is so far, just one week away from the test, i don't have a single clue on what we are learning and what will be tested. i kinda see my 4.0 waving to me and flying off...
had the so called first "jamming" at LMN's house last friday. i think it turned out quite bad, because of my poor time management and stuff. and i'm totally not playing up to standards. i feel so sad. but i'll be glad to see yunfu continuing learning guitar. i know how hard it is to get started, furthermore when everyone else playing make it look just so freaking simple. but i hope she'll continue.
now i have five or six med bio reflections left undone, but the brighter side of this is that mrs P is a really nice and good teacher, a thousand times better than ACTUALLY.
have to study for the math test, very hard to start right now. it feels like being told to run a 100m race after finishing a 2.4km. i kinda lost the momentum already.
and then i really need to practice. teacher is very nice indeed to tab the song for me. terminated my guitar course today but maybe i'll go back when i'm back from canada.
and then there are still other things, not so obvious but definitely cannot be ignored. i kept asking myself what i have done wrong, i think i did, and we all did. but i'm still not sure of the cause and effect relationship in it. maybe it's just that we were all trying too hard. shall just see how this thursday's www turn out like.

2008-09-23T23:06:00.002+08:00

I'm very tired..both physically and mentally.
There's nothing I can say towards this, this and that, you, you and you. So let it be, and let it go.
One day I'm gonna find my own, and just mine but no one else's.
Ok, thanks, bye.
I wish I'll never see you again, I mean you and you, your this and that, all of yours, farewell.

2008-09-21T00:52:00.000+08:00

这个是好久以前写的了。。还住在旧的家时。。

Title: 我想称这篇文章为,断了的手镯 Written on: unsure

我今天本来不想哭的.我真的不想哭的.

现在眼泪就一直这么往下流,止也止不住.我背对着妈妈,做在电脑前.我希望她永远也不要走过来,不要发现我哭了.我不想让现实中的人知道我哭了.哭什么?有什么好哭的?

前两天手工课,好不容易完成了第一件作品.是用塑料的材料做的手镯,要设计自己的形状,还要涂油漆形成图案,我做好后,就拿回家来了.记得那天还很高兴的给妈妈看了一下,说等老师批改完就送给她.然后今天我回来,晚上收拾书包时想着带上,明天好交上去.我一向桌子底下看去,全完了.那手镯就那么断成两片在那里.我开始还真的以为我太困了,眼花了.结果不是,是被掰断的.我问妈妈,妈妈说她没动过.那么还有谁?

我知道了,知道就是隔壁屋那个小女孩.她整天都翘着脚坐在那个桌子旁边看电视.这不是推测,是结论.我甚至连她什么时候弄坏的都不知道.就这么两天,我现在一看,就变成两半了.是不是很可笑?我自己也想笑.但我看着看着那个手镯,我就笑不出来了.看看自己的手,当时为了用机器把手镯的边缘的锯痕迹弄平,我手被刮了一长条口子,那伤疤还在,我做好的手镯已经不在了.不完整了.

妈妈现在在屋里,慢慢的不知道在摆弄什么东西.我知道,她肯定猜到我是在哭了.她没有任何表示而已.这样也好.否则只有两个结果,一是我跟她大吵起来,二是我去拍那家的门把他们吵起来骂.我知道两种做法都没意义了.我的手镯还是坏了.我一开始真的没哭的,我也不想哭.我只是望着天花板生气.心想这个小女孩真是没家教.让我生气的不是她弄坏我的手镯,那还是其次.最生气的是她弄坏了就安安静静的放回原位当做没事发生过.

现在妈妈不摆弄东西了,屋里彻底安静了,我的眼泪也还在安静的往下流.我不时用手擦擦,不管妈妈发现没发现了.不管了.

生气后我本来在继续收拾书包,然后坐回到电脑前,心里还是很郁闷.偏偏爸爸就发来一个网址,叫我去看.我打开一看,是一篇什么大学的文章.真的没心情看. 于是爸爸就问我为什么,我本来不想说,可是不知道怎么的就想反正是在网上你看不到我我看不到你说了又怎样?我就发信息过去了.我告诉爸爸那小女孩弄坏了我的手镯还一声不出.这时心里除了气愤也是想让爸爸知道跟我们一起租房子的这到底是一家什么样的人.然后爸爸就回复我了.我真该猜到他的回复的,我真的该猜到,并且不该跟他说的.他的大概意思就是,我很抱歉,别担心了,她只是一个小女孩.

然后我就哭了.现在我也不知道我为什么眼泪还在流.到底是因为生气还是伤心还是就是眼睛被刺激了才有泪水出来.我就跟爸爸回复,行,我就知道你会这么说,反正都断了!我下线了,拜拜!

我就关掉了QQ.就突然感觉那么那么伤心.现在写出来的字都是无头绪没语法的了.不知道什么时候才能有一个自己的家,或者回到自己的家,可能,我本来就没有一个所谓的稳定的能让自己安定下来的叫家的地方吧.就是因为现实中没有,网络中虚幻里才这么空虚这么渴望找一个所谓的家.

好吧,我可能没有家,但我有地方来写下这些东西.

手镯就还是那么两段,我不知道我能做什么,要做什么了.只是觉得在和爸爸说完那几句话后,很累很累.我本来还打出来,爸,我真的很难受,我不知道为什么, 可能不只是因为这个手镯的事情.但是爸爸的反应堵住了我的话.是我没资格再让他担心了吧.我知道我发了这句话他又会跟妈妈讨论,说我过的不开心,要妈妈尽量让我开心.这话说了有什么用呢?我看连我妈妈自己都过的不是很开心了,凭什么要求她让我开心?

活的这么累,是不是还有活下去的意义?上次回珠海,我抱着满心的期望去找我以前的老地方.跟朋友一起走过的地方,失落是总是喜欢去的地方.但是发现那里已经因为要建筑房屋而被封死了,也快要被拆了.我还记得我兴冲冲跑到以前的学校,因为回去是临时决定的,谁都没有通知.他们看到我,都是一脸的惊讶.我就跟朋友说,走我们去那个地方走走吧.我好久没去了,真有点想那里呢.朋友就淡淡的说,哦,那里啊,已经被封上了啊,你看.我顺着她的手指的方向看,果然被封上了.可是她都那么淡淡的,我好意思说什么呢?也只能作罢了.

这次回去,到底会是什么样子?我现在不仅很累,而且也信心全无了.在网上遇到一个以前很好的朋友,我也是那么高兴的告诉她,6月份我又要回去了,可以见到她了.她的回复是高兴的,但字里行间有高兴吗?我真的看不出来了.当时我就觉得喉咙被噎住了一样,发不出声音,说不出话来.她告诉我,她们都远不及以前我们一起的时候那么好了.甚至基本上不联络了.友谊真的是很脆弱的东西.可能就像我那个手镯那么脆弱吧.或许放在那里几天不管,落上了灰尘了,轻轻再一掰就断了.要什么样的胶水才能把它修补到完好无缺的境界?似乎没有了.我怎么努力试着去拼合那两片手镯,中间都还是看的到一条裂缝.

那个朋友网上跟我聊的还不错,真的私模似样的是个网友了.我想是真的.现实中熟悉的人,网上可能聊不了几句.而你在网上聊的有模有样好象是老相识似的,见了面却会尴尬的没话好说.我想,我这次不会尝试去见网上有联络的朋友了.可能也有一朝被蛇咬,十年怕井绳的意思.我还记得去年在学校里走着,在台阶上遇到一个同学,网上聊的挺好的,他还真就一句话也没跟我说.那时心情不是用伤心来形容的了.可能是明白了,学乖了吧.

至于网上都不熟,没联络的,就顺其自然好了.我真的想不出任何办法去强使手镯恢复原状了.

2008-09-21T00:47:00.002+08:00

我要把以前写的一些文字存到这里。。那些论坛，免费空间，真的不能依赖。我失去了好多以前写的文，还有我最喜欢的那篇，关于拉拉的。现在，拉拉你又到哪里去了呢？是不是我找不到那文，你也不回来了呢？

Title: 2325-0028 Written on: unsure

23点25分,我把保持了15小时隐身状态的QQ调到了在线状态.无所谓的,反正列表里也就3个人在线.一个是我自己,另外两个是24小时在线专门泡QQ时间的,总一句话,没人在线.

刚给自己煮了一包方便面.可能是因为鱼那个14岁生日吧,写的字寂寞的让我无法忘记.现在只要是我在写字并且刚吃了方便面,心里就会尖锐地疼.让我想起一个14岁的孩子,吃着方便面庆祝自己的生日,边吃边掉眼泪.然后我又想起回到中国后朋友听到我说在新开始的日子里一直吃方便面,羡慕地对我说,你真幸运, 可以经常吃到方便面,我现在想吃我妈都不让,非得让我吃饭.我一听眼泪差点没掉下来.我还是忍住了没提醒她"一直"和"经常"的分别.或许经常吃在她这种不怎么吃的到方便面的人听来是享受,可是对我是真真切切的一种折磨.那象征着,妈妈没时间做饭,象征着,我需要省钱,最深刻的象征着,我在这个永远不属于自己,我也不被属于的地方生活.我不是要写方便面之文,请你别害怕.呵呵,其实谁会害怕.谁会有时间谁会如此闲来无聊去看另一个人无奈的字.这点我在看完小四的<左>后深切的感受到了,也暗暗庆幸.他在<左>里记录的一些碎碎叨叨的字实在让人看不下去.因为那种字只有作者自己才能深切的体会到,或许,文中关联的人也能体会到一部分.但是我只是读者,我又不行.所以我庆幸,甚至到了看那书看到一半开始傻笑的地步.还好,还好,我现在写下的这些字永远不会被印刷出来,传到那些不懂的人手上.而我也不愿让我的字那么无奈.

方便面里我加了好多朝天椒.是那种特别小的,有血一样红的颜色的辣椒.我很喜欢这种辣椒,虽然不知道谁曾经跟我说过女孩子不要养成吃辣椒的习惯.但我还是喜欢.那小小的身体里能爆发出如此大的能量,让我吃的满头大汗,嘴有被火烧的感觉.每次我压抑就吃它,因为实在是太辣了,吃多了或许对身体也不好.但吃完了有种发泄出来的感觉,这也就是为什么我突然把这几天积堆在心里的这些话写出来了.不知道,这种寻求爆发力的方法算不算自虐呢?不管了,我要趁着这嘴发麻,头脑发热的时候,能写多少写多少吧.

我在厅里打着字,屋里还有蟋蟋梭梭的声音传出.我知道这是妈妈与那个阿姨在聊天.那阿姨是妈妈在中国的死党.刚带着7岁的女儿来到新加坡10天左右,暂住在我家里.

以上是如果有人问我关于那阿姨我会如此这般回答的.

那么,该到我说的时候了.她中国的家很有钱,住的是三层楼公寓再加上顶楼的天台.每一层都可以当做中国一个小康之家.她的大儿子在新西兰留学.我真的很不明白,不明白她为什么要来.我甚至完全糊里糊涂没搞清楚状况的时候,就发现她们大包小包的站在我家门口了.我不知道从始至中是谁怂恿她来的,或许是我爸, 也可能是我妈.但我真的无法理解.我来,还不是在出于自愿的情况下,但是我家在中国的情况也只说的上不错,来这里寻求更好的生活条件和环境,是可以理解的.可是她们在中国过的是那么舒坦奢华的生活,难道还想在这异国土地找到更好的?现在她们来了,拿的也是外国人身份,不象我爸爸那时候抓住了时机,办成了永久居民,不然我真不知道我现在活成什么样.要知道,你拿着外国人的身份在这里,工作难找,因为人家听说你的身份就不敢信任你了.处处多花钱:上诊所要比永久居民和公民多付50以上新币,孩子上学两年要交1000的所谓教育储蓄金,每月学费是公民和永久居民的7倍.

我还记得我刚落地时的彷徨.在机场里望着那些英文指示牌和满耳听到的英文对话时的茫然.每每我回想起那时,心里就又酸又疼.心疼的仿佛那不是我自己,而是一个被命运捉弄了的孩子.我不知道在我写这些字的同时,又有多少这样的孩子,乘的班机降落在这个对他们陌生无比的机场了.我敢肯定他们有着一样美好的过去,和迷茫的未来.可惜,这是一件对我来说最最无奈的事.除了做在电脑前打着这些只有自己会看的字来追悼他们,我们,跟以前说再见的悲哀,我无能为力.

那个阿姨带来的小女孩进了我家第一句话就是,这电视怎么这么小啊?我那时做在电脑前,背对着她们,嘴角抽动了一下.每人看到我的冷笑,没人知道我心里的话,很快,你会发现更多"惊喜".我知道她们中国的环境,我小时也曾上那里玩.她们家的电视如果没有我家这个4个大也有3个大了.然后她们进了我们的卧室,那孩子又来了一句:这房间真小啊,热死了.我咬着嘴唇咽下了差点脱口而出的一句话:就跟你们家厕所那么大,是吧? 现在她们,她们母女俩睡在我们的床上.那是我们在新加坡第一次搬家后买的床,那是在去年四月.买那床之前我们就搬到了这个可说是空无一物的房子里.因为是从====手中租来的,所以没有任何家私.所有家当都是我和妈妈搬过来的,那时爸爸不在,我只觉得妈妈好能干啊.我还记得,一清二楚,我在房子里空虚地走来走去走的脚疼的感觉;没有桌子,我趴在硬邦邦的地板上给珠海的朋友写信的状况;还有我在新买的煤气炉上煮着方便面时,听到楼下爸爸的叫声,眼泪毫无防备就掉下来的情形.那是我们到新加坡后爸爸回国第一次回来看我们.妈妈那时马上跑下楼接爸爸了,而我马上在方便面里加了大把的朝天椒,吃的都分不清流出的泪是被辣的还是哭出来的了,然后对着上来的父母傻笑着说,这辣椒真辣.

来新加坡之后,我的记忆系统仿佛被更新了一样,每样事情都刻骨铭心.连刚到时晚上莫名的心慌感觉都记的清楚.那时着急的就象找不到家一样,半夜偷偷起床随便拿张纸就躲到厕所开着手电筒写字.写的迫切又越写越心慌.那是怎样的日子.

她们现在睡着的床,铺着我们一家从中国第一次来新时带来的凉席.那是竹子制的,重的很,我记得在珠海时折起来称了称有大概15公斤.那一路上都是爸爸拎着它,真奇怪我怎么连这个都记得.我对这种让我有深刻记忆的东西都有洁癖.就象我珍惜的书如果被别人弄脏了那么我一定要买来一本新的.如果是别人送的那么会伤心好一阵子.于是我知道,我不会再碰这席子直到下一次我亲手仔细的刷洗它.

0点12,爸爸上线了.他申请QQ就为了联系我,列表里也除了我就是妈妈的号了.每次看到爸爸用的那个熊的头像在闪啊闪的,我就知道他说什么了.他一定是问我在不在线,我想我自己也是太缺德了,可能以前总不理他说的话,所以他现在总这么问.对于QQ,或者说对于网络我有种很深切的体会.那就是如果你在网上和一人打的火热,死党情人的关系不亦乐乎,那么哪天你在现实中遇到他一定是无话可说的.如果是你在现实中熟知的人,在网上你和他反而聊不上闲话了.

我现在终于稍微了解我一直很困惑的一个问题了.为什么当你最需要他的时候他总不在,而出现的总是另一个人?
那是因为你需要的人不需要你,而出现的另一个人或是因为碰巧或是其他原因,就不得而知了.我只着重在着"不需要你"几个字上.也就是说,很多时候,我们自己都在扮演着多余的角色,而却浑然不觉.有人运气好,就这么误打误撞的走对了路,可是有些人,会碰的满头大包才猛然醒悟.可我还是觉得最悲惨的一种人是不敢去"误打误撞",还没有"满头大包"却以开始担心会受到打击了,然后萎缩不前,然后永远没结果.我做事也一样,总是虎头蛇尾.

终于了解到这么写字的好处了.这样可以引开我的注意力,不断的联想让我不会总集中在一件伤心的事上,久久盘旋想不开.我一直以为这么写字和写日记没什么两样,但还是有区别的.就是,日记始终是给自己看的.而这么写,始终是要被别人看到的,只是在与别人是否在乎去看而已.这样和写了日记又把日记本拿给别人看一样,是很XIAN的行为.可是怎么办,我已经上瘾了.人嘛,就是贱.

还有呢,日记不需要结尾,你爱怎么写就怎么写,爱写到哪就写到哪,可是这不行.你总担心着有人会来看,那么就要写的完美,写的拿的上台面,这么写,到底最后写到了什么?于是我开始种新的做法.总是写完,发到几个论坛,然后去回复别的帖子,让这个帖子沉到底.并不希望别人看到,却又总希望有心人看到.其实看到又如何.人生很多事情还不是这样.如此又如何,不如此又如何?

2008-09-17T23:37:00.002+08:00

2nd day, i don't know if it's better or worse.
had as much if not more scolding as the very serious manager was there. but i guess i can still take it.
whatever happened really provoke a lot of thoughts in me, i shall find a time to organize them and write them down, but not now.
and i bet the kitchen guy hates me, but never mind, i'm never good enough to make everyone like me. i'm kinda surprised by how quiet i can be during work, the other girls always gather when the manager/capt's not around and chitchat for a bit, but i don't think i want to join it. and what's even weirder, i felt kinda comfortable eating alone during break time, anyway no one has the same break time as me also.
things to take note of:
how to do dish up
pasta must add sauce, tomato, cheese and parsley
seasonal soup must add parsley
curry sauce must add vege cubes and dont let them sink
every dish comes with a bowl of rice except pepper rice/pasta so WAIT
there are some more but i suddenly can't recall. shit.

and say it, just say it already. zzz.

good night. am ready to get bashed up by chinese teacher, and die for skeleton quiz.

2008-09-16T23:49:00.002+08:00

first day of work, from 3pm to 11PM ._.
really exhausted after work, but i think it's just that i'm not used to it.
suprisingly, it feels kinda good to serve. i always thought i'd hate jobs like that, but after trying and putting the most friendly side of me out there, i feel really satisfied when i get a "thanks" or just a smile in return. most of the people i met today are nice, including the others working there ^^
got a bit of scolding but i guess it's alright. nothing really embarrassing or shameful except that i realised although i'm studying in a so called top school, i'm far from giving any excellent performance in the real world out there, even for basic area like service. but i will try. heeheehee.
and i'm just really really quiet during work, i dont know why either. i feel sorry for those who tried to be really nice and talked to me. and i still don't feel comfortable saying all the jap phrases -__-
and imo it's tougher to be around the dishing/kitchen area, because according to the "captain", working there means being in control of the kitchen and the cooks, who are eh, never mind. and i need to try hard to learn how to shout out the dish names loud to the cooks...
hope tomorrow will be better..but oh no, they said there'll be a manager who's a lot more fierce >:( we'll see.

2008-09-11T18:16:00.001+08:00

算了吧. forget it.

I found a job!

2008-09-10T17:18:00.003+08:00

=DDDDD
my first job ever..although it's just part time, but i really look forward to it.
i received the call from pepper lunch when i was on the mrt...and they told me to go for an INTERVIEW. and i started to get kinda nervous after that. when i reached, the manager was not free so waited for quite awhile, and got even more nervous. when the manager came out, the first thing he said was, are you really 18? -_____- then i showed him my ic...and there was basically no INTERVIEW -_- he just briefly introduced the restaurant to me, and asked about my available working hours. lol! and i'm gonna start working next tues! xD so exciting! ~~~>_<~~~

2008-09-09T10:58:00.002+08:00

喜欢？喜欢个屁 -_-
十天半个月没联系也没事，喜欢你个头啊。
最后也不知道是谁跟谁过理想的生活，谁又能去找谁啊。
无法迁就，两相持不下，什么东西。

烦死了。最近。考完了就无所事事更烦。游戏玩的想吐，工作找不到。我看我还是继续做米虫好了。找临时工紧张的好象终身大事一样。我烦。

2008-09-08T00:39:00.002+08:00

was searching for something..then i found all my old letters. the oldest ones even date back to 2001 and 2002...now to think back, it was definitely a beautiful memory. we were writing to each other even during lessons, and there was almost nothing we can't talk about. i really miss them, my old friends. when i read the letters again, i can only say that..we were all happy and innocent at that time. who'd know so many things would happen? those happy time are gone, and reality just came crashing down on us. but if i have the choice again, i don't think i can ever grab those happiness either. they are all just fated to happen, i guess.

gotta accept the changes..and keep moving on.

lol, really don't know what i'm talking about already.

and among all the letters i saw the one that i've never sent, and of course, you've never read. but i didn't dare to read it, cos i dont know if i still mean it, i'm afraid that if i don't anymore, i'll have to give up, on everything, on you.

so i shall go listen to tim mcgraw and emo awhile and sleep. lol. i really hope tomorrow will be a better day.

"but in a box beneath my bed, is a letter that you never read, from three summers back."

2008-09-06T11:39:00.001+08:00

i think i should change the blogskin, it's too small, but am currently lazy.

2008-09-06T00:41:00.003+08:00

it's been almost one year since i last posted here. but i guess i need this place after all. yes there are friends for me to talk to, things for me to do. but there are also things that i can't directly say to anyone anymore or else it starts to get irritating, to both me and my friends. ok whatever i shall stop saying long sentences that don't make sense.

it's cliche to say this again but yes, things changed a whole lot since i last posted. and i am feeling kinda funny. before i start on anything let me thank (or not so thankfully?) stephen (if that's his real name even, lol) for making me wanting to blog again. but there's no specific reason behind it or whatever, maybe just a little inspiration to my blogless life.

and the changes. somethings that were close are not anymore, somethings that i've never imagined would happen actually happened, call this life, lol. i don't want to think this way but, i think i am, intentionally or not, the kind of person that won't treasure a thing after finally gotten it. yes i still feel bittersweet now looking back at all the posts gosh so many posts about it. but i guess it's a totally different feeling from when i wrote all those. to think that he actually said it before i do is really ridiculous, till now i'm still not 100% certain about the credibility behind what he said. but i don't know. then i started to feel weird. it's been quite a long time that i don't treat myself as an absolute girl anymore. that i mean not a typical girl. i just dont really dress up at all and 've been wearing more guyish clothes, it seemed fine to me and it still does. i've noticed so many weaknesses of my character and also all the dark sides. so now the problem is i do not understand why will he even like a person like this. i really don't see the reason and he didn't really give me a convincing one either. maybe i lack self confidence, lol.

him and his dream life. that night was really too much for me. too many things at once all crashed down on me. no matter i still have the same feeling or not i do remember clearly about it, the panic and everything. now to think back, i don't know whether it was happiness or whatever. i think he's changed too, and that made me even more unsure. maybe it's true that the love (or should i call it infatuation? wtf ok 6 years of infatuation) only truely lasted in that summer. it'll be ironic then since i meant totally a different thing when i started this blog (with its lines etc).

but after all life isn't all about love and relationship, i clearly understood it. with my heart aching less and less when i think of him. there are new things, good ones and not so good ones. the old question is back again, to go or not to go? i'll most probably stay for the convenience and familarity, but other than those, what else? it is saddening for me to realize that after all these years it's hard to find something i truely treasure here that'll keep me totally out of the thought of leaving. it was there in sec 2.. but not anymore. but i can't say that i didn't have a good time during sec 2. in fact it was almost wonderful. but people do change, and i nearly forgot that i am nothing but just one of all the people that will change as time goes by. it is not that we don't care for each other, we certainly do. i can't say it's not what i wanted since i don't even know what i really want, but the feeling is just, i dont know. maybe you feel the same, maybe you don't. things came up and passed me by like the scenes i can hardly catch when i'm riding a roller coaster. maybe life is like that, maybe.

and other than that, if there's something else that'll pull me away, it's the fact that i don't look forward to going to jc at all, not at all. i know some people do, and are pretty excited about it, but i just can't get the feelings right. it'll certainly become an environment that's a whole lot more complicated, and i hate that.

and my dreams? i don't know if they still exist. i think they are linked, my likes are. so when one vanishes, the others fade as well. the doreamon guitar is still there in its perfect state, but i guess it's no longer as attractive as it was to me before. i don't want it that desperately like before. but luckily i don't regret having taken eguitar at all. even if it no longer fits the original starting point, i want to give it a nice end point. and yes i dreamed about performing on stage, i still do but not so often. now it's just that there are songs i'd really like to share with people by playing them. but i don't know if i can ever fulfill this wish. after all, i dont know.

but the nicer parts of my life is that i still get to be a peaceful fujoshi. i can read bl, play trickster although it's really getting boring. and i have friends that are, no matter what, worth appreciating.

i hope i can keep some track of my life by writing bits and pieces here occasionaly (not dreaming for high frequency), but not like this, a long post for a whole year because i certainly missed out a lot of things.

i guess that's it for today =)

2007-09-09T07:36:00.000+08:00

i realized recently i've always been in long convos.
had this really really long conversion with FY last night. or was it last last night? never mind, my timing's all mixed up. we talked about limited topics but i felt that it was really a lot maybe because i was the one talking most of the time. typing i mean. and i regretted how fast people and things changed. i think it is really sad to end up like this with her. She was such a great friend, we did everything together, we swore to not smoke forever cos we both hated the smell of smoke, she said so firmly that she won't like a guy who's younger than her. we had so many promises and everything, and just in a blink everything changed. it was really saddening for me to read her blogpost about wanting to find another bf just to get over the ex. and that she now hides in the toilet to smoke, so that her mum will not realize.
then i told FY about him. it's been so long since i ever said anything about him. and even if i did, they were all covered in a few sentences and he is SO MUCH MORE. maybe FY's right, im just gonna regret for all my life if i don't tell him. but i don't see any chance if i tell him. so yea. let me suffer alone. and all the best for u, u know that i've always hoped for the best of u.
and there was the super long convo with weida just now. he was talking more but i feel quite good to be a listener. really worried for gy, maybe i should go visit him at the RPC, but it would be awkward wouldn't it. we were close in games online on phone but never in real life. but that doesnt mean i treasure him any less compare to a real life friend.

been rushing on hist pt since yesterday afternoon till now. never sleep. aah go everyone for math and everything. i think i need a little more faith for myself.
and thanks FY for the quotation, it didnt solve my problem but it warmed my heart. let me just believe that it was not wasted. that summer and every single one afterwards.

"原来不是爱情，只是习惯."
"你不觉得习惯是爱情的更高境界吗?"

Siberian Husky

2007-07-08T20:40:00.000+08:00

Omg this is DAMN cute.

I WANT A SIBERIAN HUSKY!

I SWEAR TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM/HER!!!

(of coz it will be great if i can have both a pet rabbit and a husky but how do they live together? hmm..)

photos taken from pfsite.net and allegrohuskies.com

2007-06-30T09:21:00.001+08:00

gratz, all of you. i think it is already very hard for you to even finish. so don't think much about the results and comparing and etc okay? and i really hope you guys enjoy your coming university life =) to Ten, although im sad that my thought of being able to see you when i go back to hometown next time no longer works ,i still wish you a good time at which ever uni you finally decide to go to. i'll go visit you SOMETIME! yes haha. when we both have holidays and when i can find the companion.

and to you, there was this tiny little part of my heart that really hoped you can't do well. so that you will stay at somewhere reachable to me. but it seemed to be just purely daydreaming. now i really don't know how i am going to find any excuse to see you again. we've crossed each other's life paths before and now it looks like it's time for goodbye, so far away.

2007-06-10T23:27:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOLYN A.K.A SPH/SSL

2007-06-08T22:17:00.000+08:00

slept at 4am today and woke at 6plus, just to get to school at 8 AND STAY FOR BLOODY FIVE MINS TO HAND IN THE CARNIVAL TICKETS seriously there must be something wrong with the planning and everything. some of us actually take an hour or more just to reach school, and what do we go for? five minutes of stretching out of hand and giving money and the rest of the tickets, wait for them to count, then hooray u're free to go now. so slowly TAKE ANOTHER HOUR home byezss lubbxxss ya!
i wanted to not go but in the end decided going. not because i feel whatever shit sense of responsibility, i don't wanna give them any excuse to later on making me buy the whole booklet which will spend me another 40 bucks. and hell ya i bought the 10 bucks with my own money. think who will be stupid enough to really wanna buy this thing? i don't wanna make my friends look stupid either so there went my 10bucks.
but never mind. just wait and see, i'll EARN THEM BACK SOON. haha. contacted the job agent today and yay im going to submit my profile tomorrow. hope that i can start working soon, this holiday's really making me rot. do i have nothing in hand? not really. look at what are there to be done:
buying rs stuff
construct rs product
carry on with the whole RS, RS, RS, BUNNY, BUNNY, CARROT thing.
do the whole chem file since i never did any
and if im not wrong there's chinese and math homework, and my bio's lagging also.

i wonder why am i still not tired. 2 hrs of sleep has powered me to be awake till now, plus all the walking (plaza sing carrefour, best, cityhall courts, carrefour, from cityhall mrt station to suntec then back) done. haha jolyn we are so powerful arent we.
tomorrow's the last day of my friends' exam (equivalent to A lvl), hope everything has gone well so far and will continue to.
and i really hope u will end up much better, u know u should.

2007-06-07T19:54:00.000+08:00

my blog is D.E.A.D
grah.

2007-05-28T00:18:00.001+08:00

it sucks. like hell.
i took her as such a good friend.
no more. and now all i want is to get back my input and draw a line between us.
hate myself for being such an idiot.
never put so much trust on anyone, xinyan. NEVER.

it tells me not to trust you, you, and you.

school holiday has started. nobody seem to care about the damn rs project. i care because i know well enough it is why i can't go back to china. and why i can't see him, maybe for the last time. you all just have fun disappearing. to me it is like RUINNING MY LOVE OF SIX YEARS HELLO?

FUCK. fuck off, everything. fuck you.

2007-05-18T20:34:00.000+08:00

today jialei was saying that if we finish our RS experiments early then maybe we can still go back china for the holiday. cos we can do the report online.
and SHIT I AM MOVED.
but i think i probably won't.
although i know that their exams end by early june
never mind.

2007-05-14T15:30:00.000+08:00

yay posting problem solved. thank you http://bloggerstatusforreal.blogspot.com
and there are lots of useful info abt blogger in that blog as well =)
so okay. 13th May was mother's day! and cow's day!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY JIALEI!

haha.
coming bdaes: jolyn&yunhan's

2007-05-06T20:42:00.000+08:00

是不是人活着,就是为了让生活和记忆折磨?
那年冬天,那个下雪的晚上,记忆和那晚的寒风一样让人刻骨铭心.我想我永远也忘不了了.这才是最深的罪孽吧,我从没刻意去铭记,也从没尝试着忘记.但在一切都成了定局的时候,在所有过错都再也无法被弥补的时候,那一刻,或者说一切一切,都永远的留在我的记忆里.这是一种毛骨悚然的感觉.好象是些微不足道的事,但在某个时候,某个很平常的念头就有可能让你想起来.而想起后,就是无穷无尽的悔恨.
这些记忆,他们永远提醒着我,关于我的罪恶,关于我的无能为力.
那感觉是这么强烈,甚至我害怕再看到雪.不敢再回到那个地方,更没有胆量去回想什么.那感觉让我一个人在夜深的时候偷偷的哭.寂寞的时候不敢发呆.深切的感受到犯了错却无力挽回是多么的可悲.
就像现在一样.
你还在天上看着我吗?
你还爱我吗?
是因为你,我才狠狠的发誓再也不相信神的存在.因为我一千次一万次为你的祷告,最后都仿佛被扔进了无底洞.
可也是因为你,我又那么讽刺的希望天堂真的存在.
有好久没想起了,也有好久没这么痛了.

因为这个我注定要一辈子对不起的人.

2007-05-06T01:55:00.000+08:00

get outta those already.

study study study.
survive till thursday.

2007-05-03T21:05:00.000+08:00

internet is finally back.
eoi's here too.
it's been so long since i last post here, i knew a lot of things happened these days but somehow there's no way and also no point tracing them back. what's gone is gone and it will never come back.

2007-04-11T00:15:00.000+08:00

i've reformatted my computer. i feel damn lousy for this is the only way i could do to get rid of the irritating viruses. i rmb the names it was acpidisk and SOMETHING ELSE.
luckily i did proper backup and have almost all my things reinstalled/transferred

nothing much for this week. screwed up chem SPA and YES I KNOW YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND RIGHT COS IT'S SO EASY FOR YOU ALL BUT THE FACT IS I AM STUPID SO DON'T ASK ANYMORE!

rs rs rs rs shhhhh--sugar. argghhh arrgggghhh so irritating. ok never mind at least now i know how ATP and NADPH are formed and stuff. thanks s_ _ _r b_ _ _y!

guides tmr (today!?) aa rehearsal and cookies baking WHERE IS MY APRON!
grooming on thurs AND I CANT FIND MY DAMN ATTENDANCE CARD

and guitar lesson yesterday was crappy but amazing. my teacher could just play whatever song there even though he's listening to it for the first time, and my dad said it's normal lah. whatever haha im lousy so i think it's amazing.
and i wanna learn so much more! going at this rate of one lesson per week is way too sloooow! grah!

english compre biopt and alot more i dont wanna think.

and why are you not talking to me for so long.

2007-04-08T04:05:00.000+08:00

feels kinda sad.
i have not been staying up till so late for quite long.
but this time is for math pt.
anyway i'll keep my words, i'll not sleep until i finish it.

are you staying up late now just like me?
&it took me so long to realize
it is impossible to erase everything about you.

2007-04-06T06:57:00.001+08:00

im sorry.
im too tired to update.