haven't been writing here for so long.
and i realize i usually only come here when i'm feeling extremely upset. this isn't a good habit. i tend to only take down things that make me sad, and just let happy things pass by. i am such a pessimist. and a pessimist that fails at every bloody thing.
i don't know how to describe this feeling. it's like a mixture of disappointment, regret and jealousy. and i don't even know what i am jealous at. maybe those who always could do so well. maybe those who studied hard and their hardwork paid off, unlike mine. i really sat in front of the studying table since the start of the study break, throughout the sept hols, until the end of prelims. but i guess that wasn't even near enough. am i suppose to just accept the fact that i am stupid? i can imagine all the nice, politically correct and comforting things i'll hear if i say this to my friends or my teachers. but i really don't wanna hear any of those anymore. a classmate said today that she has no future, in a joking manner of course, towards her not very good prelim results. but i taste some bitterness after hearing what she said. what if it really turns out that way for me? at this rate, my lousy prelim results aren't getting me anywhere near a decent uni. and i don't even know how i'll do for As. i dont even have one single subject to bet on for an A. i simply suck at everything. why the freak am i even in rj!!!???!?!?!?!
and the worst part of all, i don't even know why i am working my ass off for all of these, and why i am being so upset for all these shit. it's like living in an environment where "study hard and do well" is just a default thing that comes by, every single soul has to abide by that rule regardless of whether he/she understands the purpose behind, if there is any. right, i think that's MY selection pressure. except i might not really DIE if i fail at coping with it. i might just slip into negative evolution? what the hell am i talking about zzz.
but seriously, everything has been like this. my gp grades, my prelims. i guess i can understand now why people like __ and __ keep telling people how little they study while they actually mug like shit at home. because the worst feeling comes not when you don't score well, but when you tried freaking hard and still do like shit. cos that just proves that you are incompetent.
and then my parents are gonna start asking about my grades soon. they sure won't be happy when they hear about it. and then they'll give advice and concern that totally won't help. it's becoming like a vicious cycle. i am trying to hide my lousiness, and they try to hide their expectations. my dad tells me jokingly that if my As end up bad and i can't make it into a good uni, i can just join the college and be schoolmate with him. but i can't help to notice that he wants me to get into a GOOD uni. and he wants me to get into med school, which is as likely as hitting a jackpot to me for the pathetic number of seats available to non state residents in canada. oh, and can the whole wide freaking world stop thinking as if my future is all set and nice and good and lucky just because i'm going to canada after As? it's not like they secure a uni place for new immigrants, and i'm merely going because i have no other choice if i want to keep my PR status valid. i can't freaking travel out of the country in two bloody years! i really should slap myself for making the wrong decision in sec2. i was so blinded. seriously, i've gotten nothing by choosing to stay in singapore. whatever i treasured so much then, it's like an appendage now. whatever i've got in addition in these four years, i'd rather they've never ever happened. sorry for being so unappreciative, but i really don't mind just erasing the past four years of my life. it's not like that will make any drastic change in my own or anyone else's life.
yf said it's better not to do too well for prelims cos that won't make you complacent, and you'll want to work harder. but i think that doesn't work for me. i was finally determined to study hard for once ever since sec 1, i really needed the acknowledgment to fuel myself so that i can continue to work hard. but now i just feel so tired. and it's one month to As, such a perfect time to feel tired and lose all motivations.
but at the end of the day, everything's my own fault. the worst part is, despite how depressed i feel, i still have to continue mugging. even tho i know the same amount of time and effort may just yield so much less progress for me than some other smart people.
good game, lol.
