what is the meaning in all of these?
i read a letter wrote by a famous chinese reporter to her brother today.
the sister answered some doubts the brother had about life, although he was just 16.
she quoted richard feynman in hope of enlightening her brother.
then she wrote:"if you were given freedom, what would you do?"
i realized this is a question that many people including myself have been chasing for life, or end up running circles around it.
but i really need to make myself answer this. i think it is important.
because it puzzles me when people implied to me i NEED to do something.
but why?
why must i try asskicking hard at something just because everyone is going for it?
why must i make myself equally good, in other words, identical to others?
i have asked. they told me these are just means to an end.
but what is the real end? and do i even need all these?
i am ashamed that, come to think about it, my ultimate aim of wanting to get into MIT is to feel good when i can tell people about it.
ask me about what MIT has to offer that absolutely none of the other schools have? i can't give the answer.
and it goes back to feynman again. no title or job is ever honourable by itself. it is the effort and concentration one puts in that make his job noble.
i think that's roughly what he meant.
so if i ask myself the question, i think i want to help. in general, i want to help the weaker ones.
i would like to help animals, because i have greater interest in the nature.
but i can't bear to see people suffer too.
i think i know/found out what makes me different from some other people. i always have the feeling that the world should be fair. everyone should be treated equally, less fortunate ones should receive help from more well off ones, because everyone lives on the same planet, under the same sky.
somehow getting into the whole raffles system had changed me a little, which brings me back to the letter.
the sister told the brother that he should not be overly concerned with the fact that he is in an elite school. it is maybe acceptable when you are younger, wilder, and love to have all eyes on you. but as you grow older and become more mature, you should know that it is not the school that makes the difference, and even more not the name of the school.
i had my ego boosted before, for being in raffles. it could be as random as just some stranger's comment, or my relatives' talkings. luckily it is still safe for me to say i've never been too proud for being a rafflesian. but i've definitely taken pride in it.
so that's not how raffles changed me.
the thing is, everyone here is looking for the best. there are so many people that are so all rounded that i start to feel like a useless being.
i shouldn't feel this way, especially since i've understood the importance of family over career. at the end of the day, i am sure my parents want nothing more than a me who can be happy and contented with what i do.
seriously, i don't think they want me to be in some top university, find a very high end job, earn a shitload of bucks, while can hardly find the time to sit down and talk to them.
so why am i being so stressed and desperate about getting into a so called good university?
i kinda hate this change that raffles brought about in me. that i start to notice prestigious schools more often, admire top earning jobs and want to be just that like. this is so unhealthy.
the other day i was reading some random blog. this person wrote about how people in Congo feed on tree skin, while students here in Singapore complain about school canteen food. i can't help but to feel sad for them. for both parties actually. but i really want to be able to do something to help those Congolese.
and i think that's what sets me apart from the rest. yes, everyone is able to sympathize, but i think i feel it so strongly that i do not might devoting my life into helping those less fortunate people.
speaking of which, i do not need to be in MIT to be able to help others, for goodness sake.
the sister wrote in the letter, "real great people i know of do not even care about labels. it is not that they have something against elites or elitism, but that they do not look at the world from such a perspective."
and then onto real happiness. i am definitely not happy now, being worried about my school work and commitments just because i'm afraid that i can't be as good as my fellow rafflesians. actually, so what if i'm not comparable now. i should have known long ago that academic results do not represent everything. just like how you can find jerks from raffles and very presentable students from neighbourhood schools.
of course, when you are looking for a job, people look at your resume and your degree and certifications and such.
well too bad, i kinda missed all the right "labels" i ought to have.
if you think i am all rounded because i am from raffles, you're wrong.
if you think i score well in exams because i am from raffles, you're wrong.
just like how you can't guarantee every raffles student you meet is kind-hearted and upright and honest and everything.
comparing the two sides, i'd rather be a kind-hearted and upright and honest normal student.
there are somemore good words which i can't translate well so i'll just leave them.
in short, i want to be someone who:
can spend time with my family
can work with animals
can help others
can be happy about the things i do
these will help me decide if all the things i'm trying too hard at are just effort in vain or actions must be taken.
