it's been almost one year since i last posted here. but i guess i need this place after all. yes there are friends for me to talk to, things for me to do. but there are also things that i can't directly say to anyone anymore or else it starts to get irritating, to both me and my friends. ok whatever i shall stop saying long sentences that don't make sense.
it's cliche to say this again but yes, things changed a whole lot since i last posted. and i am feeling kinda funny. before i start on anything let me thank (or not so thankfully?) stephen (if that's his real name even, lol) for making me wanting to blog again. but there's no specific reason behind it or whatever, maybe just a little inspiration to my blogless life.
and the changes. somethings that were close are not anymore, somethings that i've never imagined would happen actually happened, call this life, lol. i don't want to think this way but, i think i am, intentionally or not, the kind of person that won't treasure a thing after finally gotten it. yes i still feel bittersweet now looking back at all the posts gosh so many posts about it. but i guess it's a totally different feeling from when i wrote all those. to think that he actually said it before i do is really ridiculous, till now i'm still not 100% certain about the credibility behind what he said. but i don't know. then i started to feel weird. it's been quite a long time that i don't treat myself as an absolute girl anymore. that i mean not a typical girl. i just dont really dress up at all and 've been wearing more guyish clothes, it seemed fine to me and it still does. i've noticed so many weaknesses of my character and also all the dark sides. so now the problem is i do not understand why will he even like a person like this. i really don't see the reason and he didn't really give me a convincing one either. maybe i lack self confidence, lol.
him and his dream life. that night was really too much for me. too many things at once all crashed down on me. no matter i still have the same feeling or not i do remember clearly about it, the panic and everything. now to think back, i don't know whether it was happiness or whatever. i think he's changed too, and that made me even more unsure. maybe it's true that the love (or should i call it infatuation? wtf ok 6 years of infatuation) only truely lasted in that summer. it'll be ironic then since i meant totally a different thing when i started this blog (with its lines etc).
but after all life isn't all about love and relationship, i clearly understood it. with my heart aching less and less when i think of him. there are new things, good ones and not so good ones. the old question is back again, to go or not to go? i'll most probably stay for the convenience and familarity, but other than those, what else? it is saddening for me to realize that after all these years it's hard to find something i truely treasure here that'll keep me totally out of the thought of leaving. it was there in sec 2.. but not anymore. but i can't say that i didn't have a good time during sec 2. in fact it was almost wonderful. but people do change, and i nearly forgot that i am nothing but just one of all the people that will change as time goes by. it is not that we don't care for each other, we certainly do. i can't say it's not what i wanted since i don't even know what i really want, but the feeling is just, i dont know. maybe you feel the same, maybe you don't. things came up and passed me by like the scenes i can hardly catch when i'm riding a roller coaster. maybe life is like that, maybe.
and other than that, if there's something else that'll pull me away, it's the fact that i don't look forward to going to jc at all, not at all. i know some people do, and are pretty excited about it, but i just can't get the feelings right. it'll certainly become an environment that's a whole lot more complicated, and i hate that.
and my dreams? i don't know if they still exist. i think they are linked, my likes are. so when one vanishes, the others fade as well. the doreamon guitar is still there in its perfect state, but i guess it's no longer as attractive as it was to me before. i don't want it that desperately like before. but luckily i don't regret having taken eguitar at all. even if it no longer fits the original starting point, i want to give it a nice end point. and yes i dreamed about performing on stage, i still do but not so often. now it's just that there are songs i'd really like to share with people by playing them. but i don't know if i can ever fulfill this wish. after all, i dont know.
but the nicer parts of my life is that i still get to be a peaceful fujoshi. i can read bl, play trickster although it's really getting boring. and i have friends that are, no matter what, worth appreciating.
i hope i can keep some track of my life by writing bits and pieces here occasionaly (not dreaming for high frequency), but not like this, a long post for a whole year because i certainly missed out a lot of things.
i guess that's it for today =)
