xinyan.
gemini.
405'08,10so3h.
random acad, we'll always have one another.
r`cube will rock!
is a fujoshi, loves mayday.

07.2005
08.2005
10.2005
12.2006
01.2007
02.2007
03.2007
04.2007
05.2007
06.2007
07.2007
09.2007
09.2008
10.2008
01.2009
02.2009
03.2009
04.2009
05.2009
06.2009
07.2009
08.2009
09.2009
10.2009
11.2009
12.2009
01.2010
02.2010
03.2010
06.2010
09.2010

i'm jobless for a week because i forgot to tell my manager my schedule for this week. can't exactly say i'm happy about it, because i felt extremely bored this afternoon since i'm supposed to be working, and i did nothing fruitful. i guess i'm getting used to the work. at least when classmates ask, i reply them somewhat happily "yea, i'm working at pepper lunch now".
other than work, i have the upcoming math test which i must pass in order to secure my 4.0. but the sad thing is so far, just one week away from the test, i don't have a single clue on what we are learning and what will be tested. i kinda see my 4.0 waving to me and flying off...
had the so called first "jamming" at LMN's house last friday. i think it turned out quite bad, because of my poor time management and stuff. and i'm totally not playing up to standards. i feel so sad. but i'll be glad to see yunfu continuing learning guitar. i know how hard it is to get started, furthermore when everyone else playing make it look just so freaking simple. but i hope she'll continue.
now i have five or six med bio reflections left undone, but the brighter side of this is that mrs P is a really nice and good teacher, a thousand times better than ACTUALLY.
have to study for the math test, very hard to start right now. it feels like being told to run a 100m race after finishing a 2.4km. i kinda lost the momentum already.
and then i really need to practice. teacher is very nice indeed to tab the song for me. terminated my guitar course today but maybe i'll go back when i'm back from canada.
and then there are still other things, not so obvious but definitely cannot be ignored. i kept asking myself what i have done wrong, i think i did, and we all did. but i'm still not sure of the cause and effect relationship in it. maybe it's just that we were all trying too hard. shall just see how this thursday's www turn out like.

that was my last summer with you;20:45

I'm very tired..both physically and mentally.
There's nothing I can say towards this, this and that, you, you and you. So let it be, and let it go.
One day I'm gonna find my own, and just mine but no one else's.
Ok, thanks, bye.
I wish I'll never see you again, I mean you and you, your this and that, all of yours, farewell.

that was my last summer with you;23:06

这个是好久以前写的了。。还住在旧的家时。。

Title: 我想称这篇文章为,断了的手镯 Written on: unsure

我今天本来不想哭的.我真的不想哭的.

现在眼泪就一直这么往下流,止也止不住.我背对着妈妈,做在电脑前.我希望她永远也不要走过来,不要发现我哭了.我不想让现实中的人知道我哭了.哭什么?有什么好哭的?

前两天手工课,好不容易完成了第一件作品.是用塑料的材料做的手镯,要设计自己的形状,还要涂油漆形成图案,我做好后,就拿回家来了.记得那天还很高兴的 给妈妈看了一下,说等老师批改完就送给她.然后今天我回来,晚上收拾书包时想着带上,明天好交上去.我一向桌子底下看去,全完了.那手镯就那么断成两片在 那里.我开始还真的以为我太困了,眼花了.结果不是,是被掰断的.我问妈妈,妈妈说她没动过.那么还有谁?

我知道了,知道就是隔壁屋那个小女孩.她整天都翘着脚坐在那个桌子旁边看电视.这不是推测,是结论.我甚至连她什么时候弄坏的都不知道.就这么两天,我现 在一看,就变成两半了.是不是很可笑?我自己也想笑.但我看着看着那个手镯,我就笑不出来了.看看自己的手,当时为了用机器把手镯的边缘的锯痕迹弄平,我 手被刮了一长条口子,那伤疤还在,我做好的手镯已经不在了.不完整了.

妈妈现在在屋里,慢慢的不知道在摆弄什么东西.我知道,她肯定猜到我是在哭了.她没有任何表示而已.这样也好.否则只有两个结果,一是我跟她大吵起来,二 是我去拍那家的门把他们吵起来骂.我知道两种做法都没意义了.我的手镯还是坏了.我一开始真的没哭的,我也不想哭.我只是望着天花板生气.心想这个小女孩 真是没家教.让我生气的不是她弄坏我的手镯,那还是其次.最生气的是她弄坏了就安安静静的放回原位当做没事发生过.

现在妈妈不摆弄东西了,屋里彻底安静了,我的眼泪也还在安静的往下流.我不时用手擦擦,不管妈妈发现没发现了.不管了.

生气后我本来在继续收拾书包,然后坐回到电脑前,心里还是很郁闷.偏偏爸爸就发来一个网址,叫我去看.我打开一看,是一篇什么大学的文章.真的没心情看. 于是爸爸就问我为什么,我本来不想说,可是不知道怎么的就想反正是在网上你看不到我我看不到你说了又怎样?我就发信息过去了.我告诉爸爸那小女孩弄坏了我 的手镯还一声不出.这时心里除了气愤也是想让爸爸知道跟我们一起租房子的这到底是一家什么样的人.然后爸爸就回复我了.我真该猜到他的回复的,我真的该猜 到,并且不该跟他说的.他的大概意思就是,我很抱歉,别担心了,她只是一个小女孩.

然后我就哭了.现在我也不知道我为什么眼泪还在流.到底是因为生气还是伤心还是就是眼睛被刺激了才有泪水出来.我就跟爸爸回复,行,我就知道你会这么说,反正都断了!我下线了,拜拜!

我就关掉了QQ.就突然感觉那么那么伤心.现在写出来的字都是无头绪没语法的了.不知道什么时候才能有一个自己的家,或者回到自己的家,可能,我本来就没 有一个所谓的稳定的能让自己安定下来的叫家的地方吧.就是因为现实中没有,网络中虚幻里才这么空虚这么渴望找一个所谓的家.

好吧,我可能没有家,但我有地方来写下这些东西.

手镯就还是那么两段,我不知道我能做什么,要做什么了.只是觉得在和爸爸说完那几句话后,很累很累.我本来还打出来,爸,我真的很难受,我不知道为什么, 可能不只是因为这个手镯的事情.但是爸爸的反应堵住了我的话.是我没资格再让他担心了吧.我知道我发了这句话他又会跟妈妈讨论,说我过的不开心,要妈妈尽 量让我开心.这话说了有什么用呢?我看连我妈妈自己都过的不是很开心了,凭什么要求她让我开心?

活的这么累,是不是还有活下去的意义?上次回珠海,我抱着满心的期望去找我以前的老地方.跟朋友一起走过的地方,失落是总是喜欢去的地方.但是发现那里已 经因为要建筑房屋而被封死了,也快要被拆了.我还记得我兴冲冲跑到以前的学校,因为回去是临时决定的,谁都没有通知.他们看到我,都是一脸的惊讶.我就跟 朋友说,走我们去那个地方走走吧.我好久没去了,真有点想那里呢.朋友就淡淡的说,哦,那里啊,已经被封上了啊,你看.我顺着她的手指的方向看,果然被封 上了.可是她都那么淡淡的,我好意思说什么呢?也只能作罢了.

这次回去,到底会是什么样子?我现在不仅很累,而且也信心全无了.在网上遇到一个以前很好的朋友,我也是那么高兴的告诉她,6月份我又要回去了,可以见到 她了.她的回复是高兴的,但字里行间有高兴吗?我真的看不出来了.当时我就觉得喉咙被噎住了一样,发不出声音,说不出话来.她告诉我,她们都远不及以前我 们一起的时候那么好了.甚至基本上不联络了.友谊真的是很脆弱的东西.可能就像我那个手镯那么脆弱吧.或许放在那里几天不管,落上了灰尘了,轻轻再一掰就 断了.要什么样的胶水才能把它修补到完好无缺的境界?似乎没有了.我怎么努力试着去拼合那两片手镯,中间都还是看的到一条裂缝.

那个朋友网上跟我聊的还不错,真的私模似样的是个网友了.我想是真的.现实中熟悉的人,网上可能聊不了几句.而你在网上聊的有模有样好象是老相识似的,见 了面却会尴尬的没话好说.我想,我这次不会尝试去见网上有联络的朋友了.可能也有一朝被蛇咬,十年怕井绳的意思.我还记得去年在学校里走着,在台阶上遇到 一个同学,网上聊的挺好的,他还真就一句话也没跟我说.那时心情不是用伤心来形容的了.可能是明白了,学乖了吧.

至于网上都不熟,没联络的,就顺其自然好了.我真的想不出任何办法去强使手镯恢复原状了.

that was my last summer with you;00:52

我要把以前写的一些文字存到这里。。那些论坛，免费空间，真的不能依赖。我失去了好多以前写的文，还有我最喜欢的那篇，关于拉拉的。现在，拉拉你又到哪里去了呢？是不是我找不到那文，你也不回来了呢？


Title: 2325-0028 Written on: unsure

that was my last summer with you;00:47

2nd day, i don't know if it's better or worse.
had as much if not more scolding as the very serious manager was there. but i guess i can still take it.
whatever happened really provoke a lot of thoughts in me, i shall find a time to organize them and write them down, but not now.
and i bet the kitchen guy hates me, but never mind, i'm never good enough to make everyone like me. i'm kinda surprised by how quiet i can be during work, the other girls always gather when the manager/capt's not around and chitchat for a bit, but i don't think i want to join it. and what's even weirder, i felt kinda comfortable eating alone during break time, anyway no one has the same break time as me also.
things to take note of:
how to do dish up
pasta must add sauce, tomato, cheese and parsley
seasonal soup must add parsley
curry sauce must add vege cubes and dont let them sink
every dish comes with a bowl of rice except pepper rice/pasta so WAIT
there are some more but i suddenly can't recall. shit.

and say it, just say it already. zzz.

good night. am ready to get bashed up by chinese teacher, and die for skeleton quiz.

that was my last summer with you;23:37

first day of work, from 3pm to 11PM ._.
really exhausted after work, but i think it's just that i'm not used to it.
suprisingly, it feels kinda good to serve. i always thought i'd hate jobs like that, but after trying and putting the most friendly side of me out there, i feel really satisfied when i get a "thanks" or just a smile in return. most of the people i met today are nice, including the others working there ^^
got a bit of scolding but i guess it's alright. nothing really embarrassing or shameful except that i realised although i'm studying in a so called top school, i'm far from giving any excellent performance in the real world out there, even for basic area like service. but i will try. heeheehee.
and i'm just really really quiet during work, i dont know why either. i feel sorry for those who tried to be really nice and talked to me. and i still don't feel comfortable saying all the jap phrases -__-
and imo it's tougher to be around the dishing/kitchen area, because according to the "captain", working there means being in control of the kitchen and the cooks, who are eh, never mind. and i need to try hard to learn how to shout out the dish names loud to the cooks...
hope tomorrow will be better..but oh no, they said there'll be a manager who's a lot more fierce >:( we'll see.

that was my last summer with you;23:49

that was my last summer with you;18:16

=DDDDD
my first job ever..although it's just part time, but i really look forward to it.
i received the call from pepper lunch when i was on the mrt...and they told me to go for an INTERVIEW. and i started to get kinda nervous after that. when i reached, the manager was not free so waited for quite awhile, and got even more nervous. when the manager came out, the first thing he said was, are you really 18? -_____- then i showed him my ic...and there was basically no INTERVIEW -_- he just briefly introduced the restaurant to me, and asked about my available working hours. lol! and i'm gonna start working next tues! xD so exciting! ~~~>_<~~~

that was my last summer with you;17:18

喜欢？喜欢个屁 -_-
十天半个月没联系也没事，喜欢你个头啊。
最后也不知道是谁跟谁过理想的生活，谁又能去找谁啊。
无法迁就，两相持不下，什么东西。

烦死了。最近。考完了就无所事事更烦。游戏玩的想吐，工作找不到。我看我还是继续做米虫好了。找临时工紧张的好象终身大事一样。我烦。

that was my last summer with you;10:58

was searching for something..then i found all my old letters. the oldest ones even date back to 2001 and 2002...now to think back, it was definitely a beautiful memory. we were writing to each other even during lessons, and there was almost nothing we can't talk about. i really miss them, my old friends. when i read the letters again, i can only say that..we were all happy and innocent at that time. who'd know so many things would happen? those happy time are gone, and reality just came crashing down on us. but if i have the choice again, i don't think i can ever grab those happiness either. they are all just fated to happen, i guess.

gotta accept the changes..and keep moving on.

lol, really don't know what i'm talking about already.

and among all the letters i saw the one that i've never sent, and of course, you've never read. but i didn't dare to read it, cos i dont know if i still mean it, i'm afraid that if i don't anymore, i'll have to give up, on everything, on you.

so i shall go listen to tim mcgraw and emo awhile and sleep. lol. i really hope tomorrow will be a better day.

"but in a box beneath my bed, is a letter that you never read, from three summers back."

that was my last summer with you;00:39

i think i should change the blogskin, it's too small, but am currently lazy.

that was my last summer with you;11:39

it's been almost one year since i last posted here. but i guess i need this place after all. yes there are friends for me to talk to, things for me to do. but there are also things that i can't directly say to anyone anymore or else it starts to get irritating, to both me and my friends. ok whatever i shall stop saying long sentences that don't make sense.

it's cliche to say this again but yes, things changed a whole lot since i last posted. and i am feeling kinda funny. before i start on anything let me thank (or not so thankfully?) stephen (if that's his real name even, lol) for making me wanting to blog again. but there's no specific reason behind it or whatever, maybe just a little inspiration to my blogless life.

and the changes. somethings that were close are not anymore, somethings that i've never imagined would happen actually happened, call this life, lol. i don't want to think this way but, i think i am, intentionally or not, the kind of person that won't treasure a thing after finally gotten it. yes i still feel bittersweet now looking back at all the posts gosh so many posts about it. but i guess it's a totally different feeling from when i wrote all those. to think that he actually said it before i do is really ridiculous, till now i'm still not 100% certain about the credibility behind what he said. but i don't know. then i started to feel weird. it's been quite a long time that i don't treat myself as an absolute girl anymore. that i mean not a typical girl. i just dont really dress up at all and 've been wearing more guyish clothes, it seemed fine to me and it still does. i've noticed so many weaknesses of my character and also all the dark sides. so now the problem is i do not understand why will he even like a person like this. i really don't see the reason and he didn't really give me a convincing one either. maybe i lack self confidence, lol.

him and his dream life. that night was really too much for me. too many things at once all crashed down on me. no matter i still have the same feeling or not i do remember clearly about it, the panic and everything. now to think back, i don't know whether it was happiness or whatever. i think he's changed too, and that made me even more unsure. maybe it's true that the love (or should i call it infatuation? wtf ok 6 years of infatuation) only truely lasted in that summer. it'll be ironic then since i meant totally a different thing when i started this blog (with its lines etc).

but after all life isn't all about love and relationship, i clearly understood it. with my heart aching less and less when i think of him. there are new things, good ones and not so good ones. the old question is back again, to go or not to go? i'll most probably stay for the convenience and familarity, but other than those, what else? it is saddening for me to realize that after all these years it's hard to find something i truely treasure here that'll keep me totally out of the thought of leaving. it was there in sec 2.. but not anymore. but i can't say that i didn't have a good time during sec 2. in fact it was almost wonderful. but people do change, and i nearly forgot that i am nothing but just one of all the people that will change as time goes by. it is not that we don't care for each other, we certainly do. i can't say it's not what i wanted since i don't even know what i really want, but the feeling is just, i dont know. maybe you feel the same, maybe you don't. things came up and passed me by like the scenes i can hardly catch when i'm riding a roller coaster. maybe life is like that, maybe.

and other than that, if there's something else that'll pull me away, it's the fact that i don't look forward to going to jc at all, not at all. i know some people do, and are pretty excited about it, but i just can't get the feelings right. it'll certainly become an environment that's a whole lot more complicated, and i hate that.

and my dreams? i don't know if they still exist. i think they are linked, my likes are. so when one vanishes, the others fade as well. the doreamon guitar is still there in its perfect state, but i guess it's no longer as attractive as it was to me before. i don't want it that desperately like before. but luckily i don't regret having taken eguitar at all. even if it no longer fits the original starting point, i want to give it a nice end point. and yes i dreamed about performing on stage, i still do but not so often. now it's just that there are songs i'd really like to share with people by playing them. but i don't know if i can ever fulfill this wish. after all, i dont know.

but the nicer parts of my life is that i still get to be a peaceful fujoshi. i can read bl, play trickster although it's really getting boring. and i have friends that are, no matter what, worth appreciating.

i hope i can keep some track of my life by writing bits and pieces here occasionaly (not dreaming for high frequency), but not like this, a long post for a whole year because i certainly missed out a lot of things.

i guess that's it for today =)

that was my last summer with you;00:41

3H!
AMANDA!
FIFI!
JIALEI!
JOLYN!
STEPHEN!
VINS!
WEITE!
XINWEI!
YALUN!
YIFAN!
YUQING!
not only forever
ms.

editting of skin&images&backgroundimg done by me.
would like to thank;
xs.to for image hosting.
44suburbia for ps brushes.
softwares;
adobePS7.0 mmFireworksMX&Dreameweaver
fonts;
deathnote