really really sucks. sucks like hell. and i dont know where to start now...
well, okay. i went out with him today. and yes i finally did. of course with some other frens. it totally sucked. if i'd knonw i'll be feeling so freaking bad i won't even meet him. i don't know but most probably the problem is myself. when i was on the bus i was damn nervous, so i kept listening to my ipod ,trying to relax, but it didnt work. so when i got there it was still early, i went to some bookshop nearby, and finally met him at the bus stop after he called me. all of my frens were late. when i got to the bus stop, he was with this good fren which i dont know very well. argh. i am talking rubbish. freak. and all we did after everybody came were just walk around and eat lunch. FREAK. yes man, what else could i expect? u know it is really weird like this. i felt like slapping myself, cos it was so damn embarrassing. it's like he doesnt know my frens well and i dont really know his. and we are nothing more than normal frens. what people do u see on the street that go to shop together? good frens, families, or couples. and we kept moving on in these 2 grps and i really really dont know, i think we all dont know, whatelse to do. i felt so damn bad. i dont know how to describe it. when i saw him online yesterday i was telling myself, hey dude, u gotta leave this thurs. so what were u up here doing? why did u come back? so i said with this joking kinda tone, i bought stuff for u and u're so busy. so should i mail it to u or wait till next dunno how many years later? and he was like, of cos i want and he asked me to go to his house. but i already asked my frens out. in the end it ended up like he'll join us and i promise to treat everybody lunch, and because he doesnt really know any of us except me, he brought frens along. lol am i being shameless. i think it really sucks. to ask him out like this. he told me he's not really busy, yes as if i will believe. even my frens who are in normal or not so good high schools got so much to do everyweek, every weekend. how can him, who's in the top high sch to be not busy? i feel like biting my own tongue for asking him out, i really feel like doing so.
and this whole freaking outing i almost did nothing. i think one of his frens dont like me. it is until such an extreme that even when i was trying to be nice to smile at him at times, he stared at me with that kinda eyes. like saying, who are u to make me come out and hang around do nothing. yes, my bad. all my bad. if only i can NOT want to see him, if only i can forget everything! F***! another fren of him's very very nice to us. and that made me feel worse since i dragged everybody in such an embarrassed situation. and shit, i dont know what to say now.
ok. so after we went to eat (i shall nt disclose any details of this here. i will kill myself if i type them out. maybe i'll tell YOU, but not typing it out here.) yes we had nothing to do AGAIN. and i did another stupid thing (uncountable stupid things i've done today), that is to suggest to go to some stupid playroom. i almost DONT go to those kinda places, but i thought boys like there right. so ok we shall go. and there's no game we could play together. by the time we walked blindly for dont know how many shitty rounds there, he gotta go. well. then i wanted to walk him to the bus stop, u see, isnt it not very nice to let frens who come out to accompany to leave alone? and i nvr thought that his frens will not. they just continued shopping. so i walked awhile and stopped awhile and ended up like i was keeping a distance away from him. if not because he was turning back like every 10secs, it would be like i am tracking him. and my frens said it is too cold outside and they dont want to go. (we were at some underground mall)in the end i dunno where i walked him to but just stopped at an escalator. then waved and this shitty thing finally ended.
but i think what was very nice of him is that he called me after we parted at the escalator. i was like kina stunned cos he called and all he said was "byebye", so i paused awhile which is another stupid thing i did and also said so. then he hang up. that made me feel a LITTLE TINY BIT better. anyway the whole day sucks. what's worse is my parents kept asking me where we ate and who went and how much i've spent after i got back home. i was feeling so bad that i just cried out like wtf ON BUS. freak. i was sitting down and just thinking how stupid i was, and the tears just rushed out like freak. i must agree that i am such a failure in everything, friendship, whatsoever. and think abt we(me and all my frens) may never meet again makes me feel even worse. who knows where he is going. even i do not know where myself will be going,what my life will end up like. it is almost impossible for me to come back china and get into the same U as him. freaking impossible. which means i am totally hopeless. yes, impossible plus hopeless, how bad can it still go?
dammit.now i'm a little bit regretted to type and should i post? i hope he'll nvr see all these. nvr.
