well, the song im listening to sings, "it's cold outside". now for me it's cold here inside. had a really bad day today. been having diarrhea for the past one mth. i didnt really care cos i thought it was just becos im in a diff country n stuff. but now it seems really bad. diarrhea for one whole mth. imagine...oww... it's torturing beyond words. and today, it went worse. with vomits. i almost vomitted my whole dinner out. i was already feeling bad at the stomach before dinner so i didnt eat any rice. only drinked soup and ate some veggie. yet it ended up like this. don't wanna describe it and im sure u wouldnt wanna read/listen abt it. it's disgusint beyond imagination LOL. well maybe nt, but it is gross T.T altho the school has been getting us talks on eating disorder diseases like anorexia and bulimia, i didnt much understand abt them. now i knew how horrible bulimias must feel. well if u dont know it's a sickening way to lose weight by vomitting out all u've eaten after every meal. that's really really horrible. since the last time i vomitted was quite long ago...but i still dont like going to the doctor...mum has been asking me to do that in the past 2 days since she reached here...i'd rather sleep lol. i've decided not to eat anything tmr. yes for the whole day. if u're wondering, im nt trying to be an anorexia or to lose weight, i just hope that i'll have nth to vomit at night =(
been joining some chat grps on a chinese online chatting software and ppl was talking abt ways to lose weight. ARGH YES I WANNA LOSE WEIGHT BUT THANKS NO VOMITTING =( and somebody shared her "fantastic" method with the rest of us...she didnt eat for 2 mths besides drinking water. i was thinking if she take others as kids...it's kinda impossible to survive like that isnt it...i mean the most u can stand it well maybe for 1 week but not 2 mths? or is she chatting online at hospital lol...hmm i shall go running once i get back to sg. why? cos the weather's cold here right now in china =x haha maybe it's just an excuse of myself being lazy =x but i shall train for my 2.4km nxt year. this yr's result was horrible...T.T i hope someone will join me but nobody seems to live near me T.T
this holiday's kinda boring and wasted. if let me choose again (obviously it wont happen), i would have chosen nt to come back china =( i really really should have stayed and gone to work with jialei =( that's money+training for life+making good use of time T.T i was so bored here and i've got nothing to do almost everyday. what i did was to use the com all nite, till morn my dad gotta go for work. cos he sold the PC away and only using his laptop which he needs to bring to work everyday. so the only time i get to use the internet is from 7pm onwards T.T i am the kinda person who cant survive without com. haha so there goes my normal sleeping times =(
and bloody china's internet cafes dont allow under 18s. grrrrrrrrrrrrr WHY WHY THE HELL. I AM LIKE 16 ALREADY AND I DONT VIEW PORNS I DONT HACK I DONT DOWNLOAD VIRUSES grrrrrrrrrr. i tried to go last time i came back and i got chased out T.T not only that they also threathened to tell my dad. yes as if they know how to contact him. and as if he would care if he knew it. LOL.
why must the bloody schs in china and the bloody schs in sg have diff schedules? now im doing nothing everyday and spending my holiday like wtf, there my frens are all still having schs and even lessons on sat. and sun. cos they are already in grade 12, in sg it would be JC2 =( so far in this one mth i've only went out with them for twice T.T and i have not seen him once. not even once! wtf. i wonder what do i come back for. dad jokes with me and says that i must be missing him really bad that's why i come back. yes i was missing someone really bad ARGH. and i've not even seen him once. i still don't know how to pass him the things i brought. actually there are a lot of frens of mine that i have not yet met...the six presents i bought now still left with three T.T do u think im a failure? i think i am...ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!
should i go to his sch to pass him the things? he seems not free every single weekend. and i hate myself so much for rejecting him TWICE! i was so stupid T.T he asked me to join his sch's activity. i thought it will be weird to mix in other ppl's sch so i didnt go. then he asked me for movie and i didnt like the movie so i rejected T.T whyyyyyyyyyyyyy argh! moral of the MONTH: nvr have the thought of u're having lotsa time n chance, cos they may just fly away any single moment.
if im still me like the past few years, maybe i'll cry for it. but now i wont =) should take it as a kinda improvement. i'll choose to belive that myself was the big problem avoiding me to forget abt him. i was telling myself all the time that i would nvr find a guy better than he is. well i still dont know the ans. but i shall bluff myself that he'll be nothing to me, someday. altho it's gonna be extremely sad for me. it's been six going seven years that i've been holding the same thought. some "crush" that lasted for seven years, will u even call it a crush still? lol. ok forget it i am just being stupid. hahaha.
i know this post's getting long n draggy...sorry hehe...im getting old and naggy =( it's 18 days to the new year...i shall have some new year wishes alright...i wanna be a good student =( altho this may sound cliche but i mean it. i wanna be somebody who can concentrate more on studies...i hope my giving up on maple will help me with it. training my maple char 4hrs per day was seriously a nightmare. i went dozing off almost everyday during that 4hrs...yet i couldnt bear to give up. it was both mentally and phisically torturing...i slept during lessons so often. maybe somebody will say, what's the use of concentrating on studies. the stuff learned are hardly any useful in the future, the grades are for parents and other unrelated people to see...but i just wanna make myself happy, that's all. im still not that great to please my parents, my frens and everybody around me. but i should at least make myself satisfy with what i am. i will def. not be mugging till the extreme of vomiting blood, cos i was born lazy! hee xD
ok...it's going 4.30 am...maybe i'll continue with my wishes some other day. mum's gonna get up n check n nag on me if i dont sleep soon x(
merry early christmas =)
small's going off for chalet for three days. gonna audi alone. and almost no one talks to me on msn besides small =((( hope he'll enjoy his chalet as much as he can hehe.
p.s. this entry is so goddamn long i wonder if anyone will ever finish reading it =/
