haven't been writing here for so long.
and i realize i usually only come here when i'm feeling extremely upset. this isn't a good habit. i tend to only take down things that make me sad, and just let happy things pass by. i am such a pessimist. and a pessimist that fails at every bloody thing.
i don't know how to describe this feeling. it's like a mixture of disappointment, regret and jealousy. and i don't even know what i am jealous at. maybe those who always could do so well. maybe those who studied hard and their hardwork paid off, unlike mine. i really sat in front of the studying table since the start of the study break, throughout the sept hols, until the end of prelims. but i guess that wasn't even near enough. am i suppose to just accept the fact that i am stupid? i can imagine all the nice, politically correct and comforting things i'll hear if i say this to my friends or my teachers. but i really don't wanna hear any of those anymore. a classmate said today that she has no future, in a joking manner of course, towards her not very good prelim results. but i taste some bitterness after hearing what she said. what if it really turns out that way for me? at this rate, my lousy prelim results aren't getting me anywhere near a decent uni. and i don't even know how i'll do for As. i dont even have one single subject to bet on for an A. i simply suck at everything. why the freak am i even in rj!!!???!?!?!?!
and the worst part of all, i don't even know why i am working my ass off for all of these, and why i am being so upset for all these shit. it's like living in an environment where "study hard and do well" is just a default thing that comes by, every single soul has to abide by that rule regardless of whether he/she understands the purpose behind, if there is any. right, i think that's MY selection pressure. except i might not really DIE if i fail at coping with it. i might just slip into negative evolution? what the hell am i talking about zzz.
but seriously, everything has been like this. my gp grades, my prelims. i guess i can understand now why people like __ and __ keep telling people how little they study while they actually mug like shit at home. because the worst feeling comes not when you don't score well, but when you tried freaking hard and still do like shit. cos that just proves that you are incompetent.
and then my parents are gonna start asking about my grades soon. they sure won't be happy when they hear about it. and then they'll give advice and concern that totally won't help. it's becoming like a vicious cycle. i am trying to hide my lousiness, and they try to hide their expectations. my dad tells me jokingly that if my As end up bad and i can't make it into a good uni, i can just join the college and be schoolmate with him. but i can't help to notice that he wants me to get into a GOOD uni. and he wants me to get into med school, which is as likely as hitting a jackpot to me for the pathetic number of seats available to non state residents in canada. oh, and can the whole wide freaking world stop thinking as if my future is all set and nice and good and lucky just because i'm going to canada after As? it's not like they secure a uni place for new immigrants, and i'm merely going because i have no other choice if i want to keep my PR status valid. i can't freaking travel out of the country in two bloody years! i really should slap myself for making the wrong decision in sec2. i was so blinded. seriously, i've gotten nothing by choosing to stay in singapore. whatever i treasured so much then, it's like an appendage now. whatever i've got in addition in these four years, i'd rather they've never ever happened. sorry for being so unappreciative, but i really don't mind just erasing the past four years of my life. it's not like that will make any drastic change in my own or anyone else's life.
yf said it's better not to do too well for prelims cos that won't make you complacent, and you'll want to work harder. but i think that doesn't work for me. i was finally determined to study hard for once ever since sec 1, i really needed the acknowledgment to fuel myself so that i can continue to work hard. but now i just feel so tired. and it's one month to As, such a perfect time to feel tired and lose all motivations.
but at the end of the day, everything's my own fault. the worst part is, despite how depressed i feel, i still have to continue mugging. even tho i know the same amount of time and effort may just yield so much less progress for me than some other smart people.
good game, lol.
I went to register on this website: 43 things to do.
43 may not seem a lot, but they are amazingly hard to achieve when you translate the overgeneralized goals in life into words and really put them down.
I found the website when I got so frustrated over why should I be studying and went to google about it. Sadly, all I could find is people asking how to study hard. Seriously, no one ever questioned the objective in such a common thing that everyone is trying to do? Or is it just because everyone's doing it, no one sees the need of questioning it?
Here's an excerpt I found amongst all the people who wrote about wanting to study hard, I think I am gonna use this to motivate myself for awhile.
Actually it sounds more like a piece of advice from someone, but I can't find any source of origin, if there were any.
她说：
-有时间吗？有时间就得和你谈谈了 ，
-你现在就只能再放松几天了，不能再象以前那样放松了，你父母很担心的
-我虽然没有如意上重点，去北京，但是我还是心安理得的。因为什么都是自己努力得来，没有后悔的 。
-你也知道，我经常熬夜，其实在熬夜的时候我也很难受的，看着别人酣睡的样子，自己却在拼命看书，你以为我想睡吗？主要是我不想我以后后悔 。
-我经常看书到两三点 ，怕影响别人，就得躲在被子里点电筒看 ，空气又闷，脖子和手又累。
-
你只有一百多天了，一定要克制自己，如果你连这些关键的时期都克制不了自己，以后会丧失很多东西的 ，其实这不但是积累知识的过程，更多的是锻炼自己的意志的时候 ，不管以后的结果如何，起码你努力过，至少图个心安理得，以后不会后悔。
-你一定要掌握好你的时间，特别是现在你们的束缚太少 。
-不要怕拒绝朋友的一些要求，如果他（她）真的是你的朋友的话，肯定会理解你的，如果不能理解，，你也可以考虑一下他是否真的值得。
-其实人一生会遇到很多朋友的，就是在不断接触当中选择自己合适的人做比较知心的朋友，很多人都只是泛泛之交的 ，你要懂者点 。
如果你连这些关键的时期都克制不了自己，以后会丧失很多东西的 ，其实这不但是积累知识的过程，更多的是锻炼自己的意志的时候 ，不管以后的结果如何，起码你努力过，至少图个心安理得，以后不会后悔I'll take them in. Sigh.
what is the meaning in all of these?
i read a letter wrote by a famous chinese reporter to her brother today.
the sister answered some doubts the brother had about life, although he was just 16.
she quoted richard feynman in hope of enlightening her brother.
then she wrote:"if you were given freedom, what would you do?"
i realized this is a question that many people including myself have been chasing for life, or end up running circles around it.
but i really need to make myself answer this. i think it is important.
because it puzzles me when people implied to me i NEED to do something.
but why?
why must i try asskicking hard at something just because everyone is going for it?
why must i make myself equally good, in other words, identical to others?
i have asked. they told me these are just means to an end.
but what is the real end? and do i even need all these?
i am ashamed that, come to think about it, my ultimate aim of wanting to get into MIT is to feel good when i can tell people about it.
ask me about what MIT has to offer that absolutely none of the other schools have? i can't give the answer.
and it goes back to feynman again. no title or job is ever honourable by itself. it is the effort and concentration one puts in that make his job noble.
i think that's roughly what he meant.
so if i ask myself the question, i think i want to help. in general, i want to help the weaker ones.
i would like to help animals, because i have greater interest in the nature.
but i can't bear to see people suffer too.
i think i know/found out what makes me different from some other people. i always have the feeling that the world should be fair. everyone should be treated equally, less fortunate ones should receive help from more well off ones, because everyone lives on the same planet, under the same sky.
somehow getting into the whole raffles system had changed me a little, which brings me back to the letter.
the sister told the brother that he should not be overly concerned with the fact that he is in an elite school. it is maybe acceptable when you are younger, wilder, and love to have all eyes on you. but as you grow older and become more mature, you should know that it is not the school that makes the difference, and even more not the name of the school.
i had my ego boosted before, for being in raffles. it could be as random as just some stranger's comment, or my relatives' talkings. luckily it is still safe for me to say i've never been too proud for being a rafflesian. but i've definitely taken pride in it.
so that's not how raffles changed me.
the thing is, everyone here is looking for the best. there are so many people that are so all rounded that i start to feel like a useless being.
i shouldn't feel this way, especially since i've understood the importance of family over career. at the end of the day, i am sure my parents want nothing more than a me who can be happy and contented with what i do.
seriously, i don't think they want me to be in some top university, find a very high end job, earn a shitload of bucks, while can hardly find the time to sit down and talk to them.
so why am i being so stressed and desperate about getting into a so called good university?
i kinda hate this change that raffles brought about in me. that i start to notice prestigious schools more often, admire top earning jobs and want to be just that like. this is so unhealthy.
the other day i was reading some random blog. this person wrote about how people in Congo feed on tree skin, while students here in Singapore complain about school canteen food. i can't help but to feel sad for them. for both parties actually. but i really want to be able to do something to help those Congolese.
and i think that's what sets me apart from the rest. yes, everyone is able to sympathize, but i think i feel it so strongly that i do not might devoting my life into helping those less fortunate people.
speaking of which, i do not need to be in MIT to be able to help others, for goodness sake.
the sister wrote in the letter, "real great people i know of do not even care about labels. it is not that they have something against elites or elitism, but that they do not look at the world from such a perspective."
and then onto real happiness. i am definitely not happy now, being worried about my school work and commitments just because i'm afraid that i can't be as good as my fellow rafflesians. actually, so what if i'm not comparable now. i should have known long ago that academic results do not represent everything. just like how you can find jerks from raffles and very presentable students from neighbourhood schools.
of course, when you are looking for a job, people look at your resume and your degree and certifications and such.
well too bad, i kinda missed all the right "labels" i ought to have.
if you think i am all rounded because i am from raffles, you're wrong.
if you think i score well in exams because i am from raffles, you're wrong.
just like how you can't guarantee every raffles student you meet is kind-hearted and upright and honest and everything.
comparing the two sides, i'd rather be a kind-hearted and upright and honest normal student.
there are somemore good words which i can't translate well so i'll just leave them.
in short, i want to be someone who:
can spend time with my family
can work with animals
can help others
can be happy about the things i do
these will help me decide if all the things i'm trying too hard at are just effort in vain or actions must be taken.
i saw your face, in a crowded place.
and i don't know what to do, cause i'll never be with you.
this song is sad.
anyway, i should start my gratitude diary now.
sometimes i feel pretty bad and frustrated that i really don't wanna thank anyone, simply because my day sucked. but i guess i should still do it since they say it makes you a happier person.
so for whatever happened today,
first i must thank all the supporters that came down for us. it's pretty nice of them regardless of whether they've been forced or not. and they also cheered for us despite not really knowing any one of us personally. thank you! :D
and i appreciate the two teacher's effort too. honestly i feel that this is our own competition so we were supposed to depend on ourselves or at least i thought so. too bad they had the public voting section. but thank you so much teachers for gathering supporters and votes for us. you gave us much more than what we've expected.
i'd also like to thank my teammates who worked hard on setting up the booth yesterday as i was feeling unwell and did not join them. they didn't get angry with me or anything for not turning up yesterday. and luckily i had them to talk to after the awards ceremony, to at least unleash some of my emotions. not that i was very emotional or anything but still it's nice to have some listening ears when you need them.
last but not least, i have to thank mum for being very understanding and caring. thank you for fetching me the stuff which i forgot to bring. you had to search for the stuff and send to me when the weather's so hot. i could always count on you. and thanks for enduring with my bad temper after i got home. i know that you're the only one who'll never turn your back on me, and are always there when i need you, so sometimes i tend to take advantage of that which is a really bad thing to do. i shouldn't do that anymore.
ok this is last minute and random but thanks to james blunt who sang such a beautiful song. though it's a very sad one but i can't stop listening to it.
goodnight
